Scottish Jokes / Recent Jokes

During our visit to London, one day, in a hurry, I went to Royal Albert gallery to use the visitor's loo.
This was written on the wall probably by a Scottish patriot using red colour spray over the peeing area.
"You English never wash your hands after a pee, but we Scottish do"
and this was the reply written below in green colour, probably by a Pommy!
"We English never piss into our hands, but you Scottish do"

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train. "Aha," says the engineer, "I see that Scottish sheep are black." "Hmm," says the physicist, "You mean that some Scottish sheep are black." "No," says the mathematician, "All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!"

Q: Did you hear about the wonderful practical joke that was played on the Scottish?
A: Apparantly, someone gave the kilt-wearing fools a few sets of bagpipes, and told them that they were musical instruments.

The helicopter lost power while flying over a remote Scottish island and was forced to make an emergency landing. Luckily there was a small cottage nearby. The pilot walked over to it and knocked on the door. "Is there a mechanic in the area?" he asked the woman who answered the door.She scratched her head and thought for a few seconds. "No," she finally said, pointing down the road, "but we do have a McArdle and a McKay."

An allegedly real-life customer complaint letter sent to the NTL complaints dept..

Dear Cretins

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone.

During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions.

Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B & H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:

My initial installation was cancelled without warning or notice, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive.

When he did not more...

There was a young Scottish boy called Angus who decided to try life in Australia. He found an apartment in a small block and settled in. After a week or two, his mother called from Aberdeen to see how her son was doing in his new life. Im fine, Angus said. But there are some really strange people living in these apartments. One woman cried all day long, another lies on her floor moaning, and there is a guy next door to me who bangs his head on the wall all the time. Well, ma laddie, says his mother, I suggest you dont associate with people like that. Oh, says Angus, I dont, Mam, I dont. No, I just stay inside my apartment all day and night, playing my bagpipes.

Q: Did you hear about the wonderful practical joke that was played on the Scottish?
A: Apparantly, someone gave the kilt-wearing fools a few sets of bagpipes, and told them that they were musical instruments.