Scottish Jokes / Recent Jokes

A farmer in Southwest England claims that cows moo with an accent. According to Lloyd Green, dairy farmer and man with waaaayyyy to much time on his hands, believes that his cows moo with a bit of a Sommerset drawl. When asked to correctly identify a Scottish, Welsh, and American cow just by their moo, Green was 3 for 3. He said, "The Scottish and Welsh cows had a bit of a brouge, and the American cow had a redneck fucking it."

During a recent international sports meet, one of the Scottish
track and field coaches was entertaining some friends and colleagues
in his hotel room. As so often occurs the libations were
used up before it was time to end the festivities.
After receiving directions to the nearest wine/liquor store, the
Scottish coach departed the party.
Upon arriving at the store, he noticed that there were only three
or four people waiting in the queue.
Immediately ahead of him were two men dressed in military fatigues
and heavily bearded. He overhead one of them ordering
several bottles of Scotch and rum. Upon being told the value of
his purchases, this fatigue dressed individual told the clerk
that he was with Fidel. Immediately the clerk produced a book
and had the individual sign for his purchases. To say that the
Scotsman was intrigued would be an understatement.
The other individual in front of the Scotsman proceeded to order
at more...

A Scottish cop was asked how he'd break up a crowd.He answered, "I'd take up a collection!"

A Scottish lad and lass were sitting together on a heathery hill in the
Highlands. They had been silent for a while; then the lass said, "A penny
for your thoughts." The lad was a bit abashed, but he finally said, "Well,
I was thinkin' how nice it would be if ye'd give me a wee bit of a kiss."
So she did so. But he again lapsed into a pensive mood which lasted long
enough for the lass to ask him, "What arre ye thinkin' now?" To which the
lad replied:
"Well, I was hopin' ye hadn't forgot the penny!"

A Scottish lad and lass were sitting together on a heathery hillin the Highlands. They had been silent for a while; then the lasssaid, "A penny for your thoughts." The lad was a bit abashed, buthe finally said, "Well, I was thinkin' how nice it would be ifye'd give me a wee bit of a kiss." So she did so. But he againlapsed into a pensive mood which lasted long enough for the lassto ask him, "What arre ye thinkin' now?" To which the lad replied: "Well, I was hopin' ye hadn't forgot the penny!"

A Scottish private walks into the pharmacy near his bases, pulls abeat-up, mutilated condom out of his pocket, and asks the pharmacist howmuch it would cost to repair the condom. The pharmacist replied that including replacing the band and spotwelding the holes, it would cost 26 pence, but that for 29 pence, hecould sell the private a new one. The private said, "Aye, that is a weighty decision, I shall be back intwo hours with an answer." Two hours later, The Scotsman returns and says:"The regiment has voted to replace."

A Scottish tourist attended his first baseball game in the US and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring "Run....Run!"
The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!"
A third batter hits a slam and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!"
The next batter steadfastly holds his swing four times and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up and yells "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!"
All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispers to the Scotsman, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls."
After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!!!"