Screams Jokes / Recent Jokes

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough." "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We cant stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says "Were sick of each other, and Im sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell theyre getting divorced," she shouts, "Ill take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Dont do a single thing until I get there. Im calling my brother back, and well both be there tomorrow. Until then, dont do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone, too, and turns to his wif e. "Okay," he says, "theyre more...

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She is chatting to St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams.
"Oh my goodness," says the old lady, "what is happening?"
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "It's only someone having the holes bored on their shoulder blades for the wings."
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more bloodcurdling screams.
"Oh my goodness," says the old lady, "now what is happening?"
"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "they are just having their head drilled to fit the halo."
Shaking her head, the old lady says, "I can't do this. I'm off down to hell."
"You can't go there," says St. Peter, "You'll be raped and sodomized."
"Sure" says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes more...

A drunk is out drinking and he gets really wasted. He looks at the time and it's 3 a.m. He screams and heads home before his wife screams at him. He tries to walk but he can't. His legs won't work. Figuring he's too drunk to walk home he crawls. It was long and hard but he makes it home in a half hour. He silently crawls into bed and his wife is still sound asleep. He relaxes and lays back.
Then his wife whispers, "I know you've been out drinking and right now your wasted."
The man whispers, "No I haven't, and no I'm not."
The woman replies, "Then where's your wheelchair?"

A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring run.... run!

The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!"

A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!"

The next batter held his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up yelling "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!" All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused.

A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment whisper, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls." After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!!!!"

In a job interview for policemen the applicants are shown a profile picture of a man, and the interviewer says, "The job that you're applying for requires powers of observation. Make one observation about this man."

The first applicant enters and says, "This man has just one ear."
"Get out!!" screams the interviewer.

The second applicant enters and says, "This man has one ear."
"Get out!!" screams the interviewer again.

Then the third applicant gets up to go in for his interview. The first two guys are out there and they tell him, "The guy that's giving the interview doesn't like to hear that the man in the picture has one ear."

"Thanks for the tip" says the third applicant.

So the third applicant enters, stares at the picture for a while and finally he says, "This man wears contact lenses."

The interviewer is impressed and says, more...

Once Santa And Banta Try To Land An Airplane In The States. They Start Descending And As They Touch The Ground Santa Screams, The Runway Is Ending...". Banta Swiftly Gets The Plane Back Up In The Air... They Make A Big Turn And Start Descending Again. The Moment They Touch The Ground, Santa Screams Again "Get The Plane Up, The Runaway Is Ending...". This Goes On Again And Again... During Their Fourth Descent Santa Says: "Look At Those Stupid Americans, They Build This Huge & Expensive Airport But With Such A Short Runaway..", "I Know" Answers Banta, "But Look How Wide They Made It...."

A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine. On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot.

They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way.' Well, okay,' he says,' how about a blow job?'

'Yuck!' she screams.' I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!'

He says,' Well, then, how about a hand job?'

'I've never done that,' she says.' What do I have to do?'

'Well,' he answers,' remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?' She nods.' Well, it's just like that.' So, he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts more...