Screwed Jokes / Recent Jokes

Dear Employee:

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.

Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.

This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.

SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW.

SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.

This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by more...

What did the priest say to the nun when he screwed her?" The holy pole is in your hole so wet your ass and save your soul."

Subject: Government Memo
TO: All Employees
FROM: The Premier
SUBJECT: Early Retirement
As a result of the SOCIAL CONTRACT implemented last year, immediate steps are being taken to reduce the number of people on our payroll - a step which we call "right-sizing". It is our intention to reduce the number of older employees and retain younger, better educated, lower paid employees throughout the province.
The program to phase out the older personel through early retirement will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged Persons Early).
Employees who are RAPED will be given the opportunity to look for other jobs outside the province. Also, if they are being RAPED, they can request review of their employment records before actual retirement. This phase of the program is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).
All employees who have been RAPED or SCREWED may file an appeal with the upper management. This will be called SHAFT (Study by Higher more...

During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."
The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."
The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.
"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.
The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"
"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.
"Like what?" asked the bartender.
"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.
The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.
So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and more...

Dear Employee:As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW.SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).Under the terms of the new policy, an more...

Handsome hunk is jogging down the beach when he sees a girl in a
wheelchair sitting on a pier crying. He runs over and asks why she's
crying.
"I've never been kissed," she sobs. So the hunk lifts her up,
cradles her in his arms, and gives her a long, passionate kiss.
"Now," he says, "you've been kissed." He puts her back in her chair
and continues to run.
A week later, he's out jogging again when he sees the same girl on
the same pier, crying again.
"What is it this time?" he asks.
"I've never been screwed," the girl sobs.
Again, the hunk picks her up and cradles her gently. He slowly
moves to the end of the pier, kissing her as he did the first time.
Suddenly, he throws her as far out in the water as he can.
"Now," he calls to her, "you're screwed."

A female employee was walking by when she noticed three guys in an office were all moaning about the fact that they were going to be audited.
"I'm screwed!" moaned the first guy.
"I'm screwed too!" groaned the second guy, holding his head in his hands.
"This audit is going to fuck me beyond recognition!" exclaimed the third guy.
Suddenly they noticed the woman standing there with a very thoughtful look on her face. "Are you all right?" one guy asked.
"Yes," she replied. "I'm wondering though... could you tell me how I go about getting audited?"