Screwed Jokes / Recent Jokes

During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks." The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first." The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender. "I'm a professional gambler," replied the man. The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?" "Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy. "Like what?" asked the bartender. "Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said. The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said. So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said more...

One day a man in the navy was walking around when he noticed a beautiful woman standing on the Brooklyn Bridge getting ready to plunge to her death. As he walked toward her he could see she had been crying. He asked her what had happened to make her want to kill herself.
The woman said that she had lost everything and she had nothing to live for.
The man said I am being shipped out tomorrow, why don't you come with to England and make a new start. He said he could hide her on the boat, and feed you every night, and in return you can give me sex. The woman agreed.
The next morning he hid her on the boat in a room with the life jackets. Every night he would bring a sandwich and after she ate they would screw.
After about two weeks the captain was making his rounds and found her. He said what are you doing here?
She explained about the man, and told the captain for a trip to England and food I screw every night.
The captain laughed and said you got screwed more...

A traveler knocked on the door of the house where a cabdriver had told him he could be sexually accommodated. An eye-level panel slid open and a female voice asked what he wanted.

"I want to get screwed," said the man.

"OK, mister, but this is a private club, so slip twenty bucks as an initiation fee through the mail slot," answered the voice.

The man slid his $20 bucks in, the panel was closed.
Minutes passed and nothing happened.

He began to pound on the door insistently, and the panel slid open again.

"Hey," exclaimed the sport, "I want to get screwed!"

"What?" said the voice, "Again?"

A traveler knocked on the door of the house where a cabdriver had told him he could be sexually accommodated. An eye-level panel slid open and a female voice asked what he wanted. "I want to get screwed," said the man." OK, mister, but this is a private club, so slip twenty bucks as an initiation fee through the mail slot," answered the voice. The man slid his $20 bucks in, the panel was closed. Minutes passed and nothing happened. He began to pound on the door insistently, and the panel slid open again." Hey," exclaimed the sport, "I want to get screwed!""What?" said the voice, "Again?"

A male gorilla at the zoo had been separated from his mate for several months and was really horny.
One night after the zoo had closed and all the animal keepers had left, he decided he was going to tear the bars apart and screw the first thing he could find.
As he left his cage and ran through the zoo he came upon a lion sleeping in the grass. He really wasn't thrilled with his find but since he had promised himself he would take the first thing he could get, he grabbed the lion and screwed it.
Just as the gorilla finished, the lion awoke and was really pissed. The lion started chasing the gorilla through the zoo and was beginning to gain on him. The gorilla turned a corner and saw a park bench with a newspaper on it. Thinking quickly, the gorilla sat down on the bench and held the newspaper in front of him like he was reading it.
When the lion turned the corner he stopped at the park bench. Not knowing what was behind the newspaper he asked the reader if he had seen more...

A man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."
The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."
The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.
"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.
The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"
"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.
"Like what?" asked the bartender.
"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.
The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.
So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," more...

English settler: Excuse me Mr. Indian, what does that one feather mean?

Indian 1: It means I screwed one women.

English settler: Oh, you must be very loyal to your wife.

Indian 1: No, I'm just unpopular. Go see that Indian over there. He's popular.

English settler: Excuse me Mr. Indian, what do those five feathers mean?

Indian 2: It means I screwed five women.

English settler: You must be popular.

Indian 2: No I'm not. Go see him. He's popular.

English settler: Excuse me Mr. Indian, what do those ten feathers mean?

Indian 3: It means I screwed ten women.

English settler: You must be popular.

Indian 3: No I'm not. Go see the chief. He's popular.

The English settler goes to see the chief. The chief is surrounded by feathers. He has so many feathers that the English settler couldnt even see him.

English settler: Excuse me Mr. Chief, what do all more...