Seasonal Jokes / Recent Jokes

Actual personal ads from actual newspapers all across America as collected by Kathy Hinckley in "Plain Fat Chick Seeks Guy Who Likes Broccoli".
WOMEN SEEKING MEN
I like driving around with my two cats, especially on the freeway. I make them wear little hats so that I can use the carpool lane. Way too much time on your hands too? Call me. SWF, 42, 5'10", brown/blue.
SWF, 27, obnoxious, silly, pierced, tattooed, insane, hormonally unbalanced, Rollerblading, sushi-eating, cartoon-watching redhead from Hell, seeks Vlad. My neck is all yours. BITE ME.
Don't call me if you are uneducated; unemployed; unhealthy smoker; felon; under 30 years old, 5'10"; over 40 years old, 6'8", 230 pounds; like cats, channel surfing; make less than $30,000 annually; or have body parts pierced. Others feel free.
MEN SEEKING WOMEN
Fat, flatulent, over-40, cigar-smoking redneck seeks sexy woman with big hair to cook, clean and pick up unemployment more...

What did one ghost say to the other ghost?
"Do you believe in people?"

This was sent to me by Stefan (who works here), who got it from Steve (who
works at Hayes down the street), who evidently got it from somewhere that
had SPY magazine in its ancestry....The rebuttal is all mine, however. Jim.
Proposition: IS THERE A SANTA CLAUS? (See below for my rebuttal..)
As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help from
that renown scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) - I am pleased to
present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.
1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of
living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects
and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa
has ever seen.
2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world.
BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and
Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total more...

You define summer as three months of bad sledding.
You think Alkaline batteries were named for a Tiger outfielder.
You can identify an Ohio accent.
Owning a Japanese car was a hanging offense in your hometown.
You know how to play (and pronounce) Euchre.
The Big Mac is something that you drive across.
You believe that "down south" means Toledo.
You bake with soda and drink pop.
You drive 86 on the highway and you pass on the right.
Your Little League baseball game was snowed out.
You learned how to drive a boat before you learned how to ride a bike.
You know how to pronounce "Mackinac."
The word "thumb" has a geographical rather than an anatomical significance.
You have experienced frostbite and sunburn in the same week.
You expect Vernor's when you order ginger ale.
You know that Kalamazoo not only exists, but that it isn't far from Hell.
Your favorite holidays are Christmas, Thanksgiving, more...

Last year I had my chance to do the traditional thing of
shooting my own turkey for Thanksgiving... you should have
seen the people scatter in the meat department.

What is Dracula's favorite kind of dog?
A blood hound.

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his
annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and
the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa
was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus
told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to
give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More
stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the
toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went
into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the
liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally
dropped the cider pot, and it more...