Seasonal Jokes / Recent Jokes

Three young men, filled with Christmas cheer decided to serenade a number of their female acquaintances with songs of the season.
At Betty's house they sang the mistress's anthem, "God Rest Ye Married, Gentlemen" - and Betty welcomed the gesture warmly with a round of egg nog.
Encouraged, the trio moved on to Alice's house, where they crooned the lament of the cherubs under stress, "Hark, The Harried Angels Sing!" Alice rewarded the smigers with glasses of steaming punch.
Buoyed by the spirits of the moment, the troubadours stopped next at Ina's house. Unfortunately, no one was home. Keen to have her hear them, yet feeling somewhat fatigued by their musical efforts, the leader suggested that they return the next day. "After all" he observed "we can always … carol Ina in the morning.

Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey, scotch, or JD
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16: Floor the turkey up off the pick
Step 17: Turk the carvey
Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out

You've spray painted your girlfriends name on an overpass.
When someone asks to see your I.D. - you show them your belt buckle.
You've lost at least one tooth opening beer bottles.
You have a rag for a gas cap.
You have to scratch your sisters name out of a message: "For a good time call ___________!!!"
"Jack Daniels" makes your list of most admired people.
Redman chewing tabbaco sends you a Christmas card.
You view the upcoming family reunion as a chance to meet girls.
After making love, you ask your date to roll down the damn window.
Your house does'nt have any curtains, but your truck does.
Your junior and senior prom had a day care center.

Other ways to use the Thanksgiving turkey...
As a blunt object to fend off your pesky cousins with.
As a projectile to throw at the TV after Kathie Lee says, ''Aren't they a wonderful band!'' for the 25th time.
As a hood ornament.
As a disguise so your ugly Aunt Beatrice can't kiss you and say, ''How much you've grown!''
As a football for the after-meal game.
One word... bowling!
As yet another object to drop from the top of the dorm to test the range of the splatter upon impact.
As a gift/bribe for a professor.
As a Christmas gift (avoid the holiday crowds this way!)
As a doorstop to keep your relatives out.
Makes a great doggie chew toy.
Fill it with whip cream - watch the fun.
An unexplored cavern for the new Barbie.
A visual aid to explain to children where babies come from.
Bury in the yard for future midnight snacks.
If you're flying home, take the carcass as a carry-on. See what it looks like in the X-ray machine. more...

Searching for the perfect gift for his dear wife who loved animals and birds in particular, a man dropped in to the local pet shop to see if he could come up with an idea. The pet store manager told the man, "I have just the thing you're looking for, a bird named Chet".
Impressed with the look of the bird as the manager pointed out "Chet" on the near by perch, the man was even more intrigued when the manager pointed out that "Chet" could sing Christmas Carols.
Approaching the bird "Chet", the manager took out his lighter and said "Yes, just listen." As the manager lit his lighter and moved it gently below Chets right foot the bird immediately broke into "Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle all..." but then, when the manager moved the lighter below Chet's left foot, the bird switched to "I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas, just like the one's...".
Astonishment was the only way to describe the husband's more...

This was told to me about three years ago by a friend who claims he works with
the father of the "hero" of the story:
During Christmas break from college, the kid wanted to borrow his father's car
to drive to a New Year's Eve party at his fraternity house. He lived in
Massachusetts and the fraternity house was in Vermont. The father needed the
car New Year's Day, and was concerned about the son hitting one of the
roadblocks that police set up all over the place on New Year's Eve. The
agreement that was reached was that the son would be allowed to use the car,
but he would not drink at all. That was, of course, a big mistake on the part
of the father, especially since the kid wasn't 21.
So he drove to Vermont, got completely trashed, and attempted to drive home.
Just before he reached Massachusetts he hit a roadblock. There were a few
other cars stopped already, so he was told to get out of the car and stand in
a line of more...

Season's Greetings,
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.
Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no longer dominates the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share and he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.
The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated and should take up the slack with no discernible loss of service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and received unfavourable more...