Seat Jokes / Recent Jokes

An usher noticed a man that lay sprawled across three entire seats in the theater. He immediately approached the man and whispered, "Sir, I'm sorry but you're only permitted one seat."
The man groaned but made no attempt to move.
Becoming impatient, the usher said, "Listen, mister, if you don't move from there I'll have to call the manager."
Again the man only moaned, which infuriated the usher. He turned and stomped off quickly to find the manager. A few moments later they both returned and stood over the man.
Together, they both tried to move him numerous times but had no success. Finally, the manager summoned the police.
After surveying the situation, the cop said to the man, "Ok, pal, what's your name?"
"Sam," the man groaned.
"Where are you from, Sam?" the cop asked.
"The balcony!"

My wife and I are both the youngest child. Combine that with our own experience as parents and we often satirically talk about how things change as you have more children: Feeling the Baby MoveFirst Child: I placed my hand on my wive's tummy every chance I could for two months waiting for that first time when I could feel the baby move. Hours upon hours I waited until that magic moment when, I felt this little movement. We called all of our relatives to tell them about the blessed experience.Second Child: When it first happened, my wife called me at the office. I quickly ran home and felt the baby move. We included the experience in all of our letter to our family.Third Child: She told me the baby moved. I told her I would check it our during the next commercial break. I missed out because her mother called on the telephone so I went on watching Monday night football. By the end of the third quarter, I finally felt the baby move.Fourth Child: We were in bed and I was trying to sleep. more...

Junior had just received his brand new drivers license. The family goes out to the driveway and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the new driver.
"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those
months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive", says the beaming boy to the his dad.
"Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your
seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."

… A father walks into the market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is spinning a 25 cent piece in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking and going blue in the face and his Dad starts panicking, shouting and screaming for help.
A middle-aged, fairly unnoticeable man in a gray suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading his newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion he looks up, puts his coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds his newspaper and places it on the counter. He gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way across the market. Reaching the boy (who is still standing, but only just) the man carefully takes hold of the kid’s gonads and squeezes gently but firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the more...

A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a mangets up from his seat. She thinks to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat," and she pushes him back onto the seat. A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is insulted again and refuses to let him up.Finally, the man says, "Look, lady, you've got to let me get up. I'm two miles past my stop already."

A guy took a blonde out on a date. Eventually they ended up parked at a “lovers point” where they started making out. After things started getting pretty good, he thought he might get lucky, so he asked her “Do you want to get into the back seat? ”
“NO! ” she answered. Okay, he thought, maybe she’s not ready yet. Now he has her shirt and skirt off, the windows are steamed, and things are getting really hot, so he asks again, “Do you want to get into the back seat? ” “NO! ” she answers again.
Now he has her bra off, they’re both very sweaty, and she even has his pants unzipped. Okay, he thinks, she HAS to want it now. “Do you want to get into the back seat NOW? ” he asks again.
“NO! ” she answers yet again. Frustrated, he demands “Well, why not! ” “Because I want to stay up here with you! ”

A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too far from the stage.

He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."

The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter.

The usher looks at the quarter, frowns at him, then leans over and whispers, "The wife did it."