Section Jokes / Recent Jokes

Having a no smoking section in a restaurant is like having a no peeing
section in a swimming pool.

On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to the coach section since she did not have a first class ticket.
The blonde replied, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to New York, and I’m not moving. ”
Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to New York, and I’m not moving. ”
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, “I’m married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this. ”
He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde’s ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, “Why didn’t anyone just say so. ”
Surprised, the flight more...

Top Twenty New Slogans for Valuejet Airlines

ValueJet: When you just can't wait for the world to come to you.

ValueJet: We're Amtrak with wings.

Join our frequent near-miss program.

On flights, every section is a smoking section.

Ask about our out-of-court settlements.

Our staff has had lots of experience consoling next-of-kin.

Are our jet engines too noisy? Don't worry. We'll turn them off.

Complimentary champagne during free-fall.

Enjoy the in-flight movie in the plane next to you.

The kids will love our inflatable slides.

You think it's so easy, get your own plane!

Which will fall faster, our stock price or our planes?

Our pilots are all terminally ill and have nothing to lose.

ValueJet: We may be landing on your street.

ValueJet: Terrorists are afraid to fly with us.

Bring a bathing suit.

Some more...

I'M BLONDE AND I'M BEAUTIFUL!
On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested she move to economy since she didn't have a first class ticket.
The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving."
Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak to her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section.
Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving.
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I' m married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this."
He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say more...

[Royters: Dateline Washington]
Joe Motzeratz Reporting
Justice Department Siege Section's Helicopters & Tanks Rolling Towards Redmond
With the clock ticking ever closer to the deadline imposed by the Justice Department and the leaders of the Redmond WA based cult promising a fight to the end, Attorney General Janet Reno has informed the Justice Department's Siege Section to start the helicopters and tanks rolling towards Microsoft's campus in Redmond Washington; as well as cutting off the avenues of escape for Cult Leader Gates to his fortified redoubt on the lake, known as "C:/"..
Attorney General Reno stated that with such a formidable foe as Microsoft, and their response to her edict, that it would have to be a Take No Prisoners operation as the threat to the community at large is even more egregious than the mentally troubled widow in Illinois, and a much greater threat than the situation that first propelled her to prominence.
Apparently, more...

HUMPTY DUMPTY
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the King's Horses and all the King's men
Came and ate scrambled eggs again.

Father Bear: Someone has been eating my porridge.
Mother Bear: Someone has been eating my porridge.
Baby Bear (crying): Someone has been eating my porridge!
Granny Bear: Oh, will you all please cut it out?! I haven't even served
the porridge yet!

Why is a pig's tail like getting up at 3 am?. .. Its twirly.

Why did Robin Hood rob only the rich?. .. Because the poor had no money.

Horse walks into a bar. Bartender asks him, "Why the long face?"

Two peanuts walking down the street, one of them's a salted.

What kind of rocks are on the bottom of the Mississippi River? WET rocks.

What is a plumbers favourite flower?. .. Draineeums.

What do you call a pumped-up pumpkin?. .. A jock more...

ULTRA MICRO CONSTITUTION OF THE DEMOCRATIC SOCIALIST REPUBLIC OF SRI LANKA

Section 1
Democratic Socialist Republic of Sri Lanka is an unitary
State Which Is Comprised of 24 Key Administrative District
Councils and their Sub Councils.
Section 2
All Laws relating to Citizenship, Matrimony, Inheritance and
Succession shall be governed by The General Law.
Section 3
English, Sinhala and Tamil shall be Official Languages.
Section 4
There shall be The Freedom of Speech, Expression and
Publication and The Freedom of Worship.
Section 5
All Levels of Health, Education and Industry are open to
Private Sector Investors.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Regards,
ULTRA MICROS