Sermon Jokes / Recent Jokes

A good sermon should have a good beginning and a good ending, and they should be as close together as possible.

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'dtake it and throw it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365:"Shall We Gather at the River."

Then Jesus took his disciples up on the mountain and gathered them
around him. And he taught them, saying,
"Blessed are the poor in spirit.
Blessed are the meek.
Blessed are the merciful.
Blessed are you who thirst for justice.
Blessed are you who are persecuted.
Blessed are you who suffer.
When these things begin to happen, rejoice, for your reward will be
great in Heaven."
And Simon Peter said, "Do we have to write this down?"
And Philip said, "Will this be on the test?"
And John said, Would you repeat that?"
And Andrew said, "John the Baptist's disciples don't have to learn this stuff."
And Matthew said, "Huh?"
And Judas said, "What's this got to do with real life?"
Then one of the Pharisees, an expert in the law, said, "I don't see
any of this in your syllabus. Do you have a lesson Plan? Is there a
summary? Where's the student guide? Will more...

The Baptist preacher just finished his sermon for the day and proceeded toward the back of the church for his usual greetings and handshaking as the congregation left the church. After shaking a few adult hands he came upon the seven year old son of one of the Deacons of the church.
"Good morning, Jonathan," the preacher said as he reached out to shake Joanthan's hand.
As he was doing do he felt something in the palm of Jonathan's hand. "What's this?" the preacher asked.
"Money," said Jonathan with a big smile on his face, "It's for you!"
"I don't want to take your money, Jonathan," the preacher answered.
"I want you to have it," said Jonathan. After a short pause Jonathan continued, "My daddy says you're the poorest preacher we ever had and I want to help you."

I hate September. It was always back to school, so I had to be ready. It was back to homework, so I had to turn off the Yankees and study. It was my sister’s birthday and I had to be..um..nice. Yuk. But just in case that wasn’t bad enough, the Jewish holidays are here!

Oy friggin’ vey.

I hate these holidays. Like four days in synagogue. In case you were wondering, the services are partially in English and partially in Hebrew, but mostly suck. If you are comforted by being in a room of people with your religious background, love a good solemn pray, or can’t get enough of a cantor, who sounds as if he has infected sinuses, chanting in Hebrew for 4 HOURS (Some people go all day! I swear God leaves after an hour and a half), I guess you’ve come to the right place.

Personally, I find the Rabbi’s sermon fascinating. You see, no matter how much sleep I get the night before, when he starts that sermon, boom, I’m out cold. Fascinating. He’s like a more...

The Sunday sermon had gone on and on - and on.

And a little girl, who really had been trying to behave herself, knew that after the sermon, there was still the offertory to go, and probably a final hymn. She began to grow more and more restless.

Then she had an idea!

Leaning over toward her mother, she whispered quietly into her ear, "Mommy, do you think that maybe if we just went ahead and gave him the money now, he'd let us go?"

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."