Sermon Jokes / Recent Jokes

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach
about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I
want you all to read Mark 17."
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the
minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many
had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and
said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with
my sermon on the sin of lying."

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone more...

An elderly man was quite unhappy because he had lost his favorite hat. Rather than purchasing a new one, he decided he would go to church and steal one out of the vestibule. When he got there, an usher intercepted him at the door and took him to a pew where he had to sit and listen to the entire sermon on the Ten Commandments.
After church, the man met the preacher in the vestibule doorway, shook his hand vigorously and said, "I want to thank you for saving my soul today, preacher. I came to church to steal a hat, but after hearing your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I decided against it."
"You mean the Commandment, Thou shall not steal, changed your mind?" the preacher asked.
"No, the one about adultery did," the old man said. "As soon as you said that, I remembered where I left my old hat."

An elderly man was quite unhappy because he had lost his favorite hat.
Instead of buying a new one, he decided he would go to church and swipe one
out of the vestibule.
When he got there, an usher intercepted him at the door and took him to a
pew where he had to sit and listen to the entire sermon on "The Ten
Commandments."
After church, the man met the preacher in the vestibule doorway, shook his
hand vigorously, and told him "I want to thank you preacher for saving my
soul today. I came to church to steal a hat and after hearing your sermon
on the 10 Commandments, I decided against it."
Preacher: "You mean the commandment 'I shall not steal' changed your
mind?"
Old Man: "No, the one about adultery did. As soon as you said that I
remember where I left my old hat!"

An elderly man was quite unhappy because he had lost his favourite hat. Instead
of buying a new one, he decided he would go to church and swipe one out of the
vestibule.
When he got there, an usher intercepted him at the door, and took him to a pew
where he had to sit and listen to the entire sermon on the ten commandments.
After church, the man met the preacher in the vestibule doorway, shook his hand
vigorously, and told him, "I want to thank you, preacher, for saving my soul
today. I came to church to steal a hat and after hearing your sermon on the ten
commandments, I decided against it."
The preacher said, "You mean the commandment 'I shall not steal' changed your
mind?"
The old man replied, "No, the one about adultery did. As soon as you said that,
I remembered where I left my old hat!"

After years of his wife's pleading, this good ol boy finally goes with her to her little local Church on Sunday morning. He was so moved by the Preacher's sermon that on the way out he stopped to shake his hand.
He said, "Reverend, that was the best gawd damn sermon I ever did hear!"
The Preacher replied, "Oh! Why, thank you sir, but please...I'd appreciate it if you didn't use the Lord's name in vain!"
The man said, "I'm sorry Reverend, but I can't help myself, it was a good gawddamn sermon!"
The Reverend said, "Sir, PLEASE, I cannot have you behaving this way at Church"!
The man said, "Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you to know that I thought it was so gawddamn good, I put $
500.00 in the collection plate!"
And the Reverend said, "NO SHIT?!"

After years of his wife's pleading, this good ol boy finally goes with her to her little local Church on Sunday morning. He was so moved by the Preacher's sermon that on the way out he stopped to shake his hand.
He said, "Reverend, that was the best gawd damn sermon I ever did hear!"
The Preacher replied, "Oh! Why, thank you sir, but please...I'd appreciate it if you didn't use the Lord's name in vain!"
The man said, "I'm sorry Reverend, but I can't help myself, it was a good gawddamn sermon!"
The Reverend said, "Sir, PLEASE, I cannot have you behaving this way at Church"!
The man said, "Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you to know that I thought it was so gawddamn good, I put $500.00 in the collection plate!"
And the Reverend said, "NO SHIT?!"