Sermon Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man sobering up from the night before was sitting through the Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nodded off.
The priest had been watching him all along, noticing his apparent hangover and was disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decided to make an example of him.
He said to his congregation, "All those wishing to have a place in heaven, please stand." The whole room stood except, of course, the sleeping man.
Then the preacher said even more loudly, "And he who would like to find a place in hell please STAND UP!"
The weary man caught only the last part groggily stood up, only to find that he was the only one standing.
Confused and embarrassed he said, "I don't know what we're voting on here, Father, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing up for it!"

Pass a note to the organist asking whether he/she plays requests
See if a yawn really is contagious
Slap your neighbour. See if they turn the other cheek. If not, raise your hand and tell the priest
Devise ways of climbing into the balcony without using the stairs
Listen for your preacher to use a word beginning with 'A' then 'B and so on through the alphabet. You may get stuck on 'Q' unless your preacher is preaching against homosexuality.
Sit in the back row and roll a handful of marbles under the pews ahead of you. After the service, credit yourself with 10 points for every marble that made it to the front.
Using church notice-sheets or newcomers cards for raw materials, design, test and modify a collection of paper airplanes.
Start from the back of the church and try to crawl all the way to the front, under the pews, without being noticed.
Raise your hand and ask for permission to go to the lavatory.
Whip out a hankie and blow your nose. Vary more...

A man finally goes with his wife to church. The man was so impressedwith the preacher's sermon he stopped on the way out to shake his hand."Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a DAMNED fine sermon." The preachersays "Why thank you sir, but we don't used profanity in the house of the Lord". The man says, "But preacher, that was the best DAMNED sermon I ever heard." The preacher says again, "sir I must be blunt, DO NOT use curse words in the Lords house again". The man says "Well I was so impressed with your sermon that Iplaced $1000 dollars in the collection plate". The preacher says "NO SHIT"?

The convert.
Martin Lewis converts and becomes a priest.
He give his first Mass in front of a number of high ranking priests who came for the occasion. At the end of the new priest`s sermon, a cardinal goes up to congratulate him. "Pastor Lewis," he said, "That was very well done, you were just perfect. But next time, please don`t start your sermon with, "Fellow Goyim..."

Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister. Yours sincerely, Arnold. Age 8, Nashville.
Dear Pastor, Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson. Sincerely, Pete. Age 9, Phoenix
Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something. Robert, Page 11, Anderson
Dear Pastor, I'm sorry I can't leave more money in the plate, but my father didn't give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance? Love, Patty. Age 10, New Haven
Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious. She goes to play bingo at church every week even if she has a cold. Yours truly, Annette. Age 9, Albany
Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother won't be there. Stephen. Age 8, Chicago
Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland. Loreen. Age 9. Tacoma
Dear Pastor, I more...

Pastor Dave Charlton tells us, "After a worship service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven-year-old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet.
About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, 'If you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!' It worked."

A crumbling old church building needed remodeling, so, during his sermon, the preacher made an impassioned appeal looking directly at the richest man in town.
At the end of the sermon, the rich man stood up and announced, "Pastor, I will contribute $1,000."
Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich man on the shoulder.
He promptly stood back up and shouted, "Pastor, I will increase my donation to $5,000."
Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him again, and again he this time he virtually screamed, "Pastor, I will double my last pledge."
He sat down, and a larger chunk of plaster fell on his head.
He stood up once more and hollered, "Pastor, I will give $20,000!"
This prompted a deacon to shout, "Hit him again, Lord! Hit him again!"