Sermon Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man sobering up from the night before is sitting through the Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nods off.
The priest has been watching him all along, noticing his apparent hangover and is disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decides to make an example of him.
He says to his congregation, “All those wishing to have a place in heaven, please stand. ”
The whole room stands up except, of course, the sleeping man.
Then the preacher says even more loudly, “And he who would like to find a place in hell please STAND UP! ”
The weary man catching only the last part groggily stands up, only to find that he’s the only one standing.
Confused and embarrassed he says, “I don’t know what we’re voting on here, Father, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing for it! ”

On my first Sunday at a new church a woman came out, shook my had and declared that I had preached a "Very warm sermon."
I thanked her.
The next week, "You preached a warm sermon today," she declared.
Again I thanked her, feeling very proud.
The same thing the third week, and the fourth, and the fifth.
On the sixth week she declared it to be a "Warm sermon" again and I said, "By the way, when you say I preache a warm sermon, what do you mean?
"Not so hot." and she walked off

A cowboy entered a church one Sunday morning and noticed that he and the preacher were the only ones present.
The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead with his sermon. The cowboy said, "I may not be too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him."
So, the preacher began his sermon. One hour passed, then two hours, then three. Finally, the preacher finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he enjoyed the sermon.
The cowboy answered slowly, "Well, I may not be too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay!"

A man sees a blonde woman at the beach one day sporting a walkman and headphones, but thinks nothing of it.
The next day, he sees the same blonde woman at the grocery store, still with the walkman and headphones on. A little suprised, he goes on with his shopping.
The next day was Sunday, and the man headed off to church. The man arrived at the church and found a seat just as the preacher was beginning the sermon. Halfway through the sermon, the man looked over, and to his surprise, saw the same blonde woman. Even more shocking, she was STILL wearing the headphones! The man was so curious as to why she was wearing the headphones, he jumped up, ran over to the woman, and ripped the headphones off her head. She
immediately fell to the ground, clutching her throat. The man, horrified, picked up the headphones to see what was playing in them. To his amasement, the same thing was playing over and over again:
'Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out...'

The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject.
After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies.
About half held up their hands.
Not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question.
This time he received a response of about 80 percent.
Still unsatisfied, he lectured for another 15 minutes and repeated his question.
With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear.
"Mrs. Smith, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any."
"Mrs. Smith, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety five."
"Mrs. Smith, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person can live to be ninety five, and not have an enemy in the world."
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, very slowly turned around and said, "It's more...

The following are actual questions written to pastors from children across the world.

Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister. Yours sincerely, Arnold. Age 8, Nashville.

Dear Pastor, Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson. Sincerely, Pete. Age 9, Phoenix

Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something. Robert Anderson, age 11

Dear Pastor, I'm sorry I can't leave more money in the plate, but my father didn't give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance? Love, Patty. Age 10, New Haven

Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious. She goes to play bingo at church every week even if she has a cold. Yours truly, Annette. Age 9, Albany

Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother won't be there. Stephen. Age 8, more...

A man sobering up from the night before is sitting through the Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nods off.
The priest has been watching him all along, noticing his apparent hangover and is disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decides to make an example of him.
He says to his congregation, "All those wishing to have a place in heaven, please stand."
The whole room stands up except, of course, the sleeping man.
Then the preacher says even more loudly, "And he who would like to find a place in hell please STAND UP!"
The weary man catching only the last part groggily stands up, only to find that he's the only one standing.
Confused and embarrassed he says, "I don't know what we're voting on here, Father, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing for it!"