Service Jokes / Recent Jokes

During the early part of Fall, the Indians asked their Chief if the winter was going to be mild or cold. Not really knowing the answer, the Chief said that the winter was going to be very cold and the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared.
The Chief then contacted the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter going to be cold?" The man on the phone replied, "Yes, this winter will be quite cold."
Hearing this, the Chief went back to his people to speed them up in their efforts of collecting wood so that they would be prepared for the coming season.
Several days later, he again called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is it going to be a cold winter?" "Yes," the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."
The Chief went back to his people and ordered them to go and find every scrap of wood they possibly could.
Two weeks later, he again called the National Weather Service more...

The following are actual church bulletin board bloopers found in churches across the United States.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

Evening massage - 6 p. m.

The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8: 30 p. m. Please use the back door.

Ushers will eat latecomers.

The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

For those of you who have children and don`t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

The Rev. Merriwether more...

The Indians asked their Chief in autumn if the winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared.

Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?"

The man on the phone responded, "This winter was going to be quite cold indeed." So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared.

A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a VERY cold winter?"

"Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: "Are you more...

Rob and his new bride were on their honeymoon, laying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to Rob, "I have a confession to make-I'm not a virgin."
So Rob replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age." The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one other guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was this guy?" "Ernie Els" his wife replied.
"Ernie Els the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
Rob and his wife then make passionate love. When they are done, Rob gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" says his wife.
Rob says, "I'm hungry. I was going to call room service and get some food."
"Ernie wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Ernie do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
So Rob puts down the phone and more...

The businesswoman, in town for an important meeting, checked into her room at the swank hotel and unpacked her bags.
Noticing that her best suit had been badly wrinkled during her flight, she telephoned the desk and asked the hotel's valet service to pick it up for pressing.
Almost immediately after she hung up the phone, a knock sounded at the door, and there stood an elderly Chinaman, waiting.
Impressed by the fast service, the career woman exclaimed, "My, you come lickety-split!"
"No, ma'am," replied the elderly Chinaman. "Come to get laundry."

After many unhappy replies from our current
vending service we decided that what they
really needed was a different form letter
that was more closely tied to their true
feeling:
BFD Vending Service
Thank you for your inquiry/comments/complaints
about our vending serve
-We are aware that your machine as not been stocked in 50 days.
-We are waiting for the weekend.
-We are out of items that have expired.
-We're busy, don't bother us about this.
-We don't care.
-We are aware that the price for you
seems high at $10,000.000, but we have to make a living.
-We use an algorithm 50% retail for people your age.
-We charge others more.
-We adjust it to allow for spoilage. We are aware that the sodas are warm, the milk is curdled, sandwiches are stale, gum is hard, candy bars are petrified and assure you that that is the way it is supposed to be, really!
-We understand that the bill changer can't, coin return won't, product more...

The Wednesday-night church service coincided with the last day of hunting season. Our pastor asked who had bagged a deer. No one raised a hand. Puzzled, the pastor said, "I don't get it. Last Sunday many of you said you were were unable to make service because of hunting season. I had the whole congregation pray for your deer." One hunter groaned, "Well, it worked. They're all safe."