Setting Jokes

Once upon a time there was a golden songbird that lived in a beautiful garden. It spent all its days singing the loveliest songs to the honour of its maker and the delight of all the people who heard it.
But the keeper of the garden, who was a foolish and greedy man, coveted the little songster, and one day he made a cunning net in which he snared it. The little bird begged the man to release him and promised to tell him three great secrets if only he would let him go. Now the gardener really was a very greedy man and rubbing his hands together, he eagerly released the bird.
Then the songbird told him it's three great secrets: Never believe all that you hear; Never regret what you have never lost, and never throw away that which you have in your keeping.
The gardener was furious when he heard this and said he had known these so-called' secrets' since he was a little child and shouted that the bird had tricked him. But the songbird quietly replied that if the man had more...

From the SF Chronicle "Personals" Column, Friday, February 9th:
Advertising Age's Lenore Skenazy asked readers to come up with
imaginary ads "to brazenly exploit a solemn site," such as the recent
rash of ads featuring the Berlin Wall. An excerpt:
The Washington Monument is the setting. The line: "Don't be the father
of your country. Trojan condoms."
Russians filing by Lenin's tomb are shown. The line: "Liked our
leader? You'll love Vlasic dills. They're pickled in glass, too!"
A man standing near the eternal flame at JFK's grave lights a cigarette.
The line: "Bic. Only one flame lasts longer."
The setting is a manger in Bethlehem, with a radiant glow around the
baby's cradle. The line, as said by Mary (looking upward): "I said a Bud
Light."

A regular walks into a bar, looking blue. The bartender starts setting him up his usual, and our man, Dave, says, "No, no - just a glass of milk."
Taken aback, the bartender asks what the hell has gotten into him?
Dave responds, "Well, my wife told me that if she catches me coming home late and drunk after I've thrown up on myself one more time, she'll divorce me! And this time she means it. I'm blue..."
"Hey, no problem!" the bartender says as he starts setting Dave up again. "Do you have any big bills on you?"
"Well, sure," says Dave. "I just got paid."
"Okay," says the bartender, "drink all you want and rolf like you usually do, and when you get home and she bitches, show her a $50 bill and tell her someone threw up on YOU, then offered to pay for the shirt!"
What a great idea, Dave thinks, and starts knocking them back.
Later that night, when Dave gets home late, more...

A customer needed help setting up a new program, so the technician suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends," the man said. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."

Why do toasters have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp that no one would eat?