Shape Jokes / Recent Jokes

The Top Signs You`re Out of Shape
& & 1. You`ve ever torn something just trying to turn off the alarm clock.
& & 2. People at work only refer to you by saying "Hey fatso!"
& & 3. You`ve thrown your back out by carrying a bag of groceries.
& & 4. Random strangers come up, poke you in the stomach and expect you to giggle.
& & 5. Your record is 34 Pushups and you could have done more if the Ice Cream Man would have taken plastic.
& & 6. You get the Christmas gift of Jigglin` To The Oldies.
& & 7. You cramp up while watching the New York City Marathon.
& & 8. Watching Rocky 5 is your idea of a workout video.
& & 9. The sales clerk nicely but firmly pulls you away from the jeans rack and whispers "Its Sansabelt Time, Tubby"

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. I am in shape. Round's a shape! Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster is a maniac. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you. Future historians will be able to study at the Gerald Ford Library; the Jimmy Carter Library; the Ronald Reagan Library and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

A man, showing off his knowledge to another, asked if he knew what shape the world was.
"I don't know," said the second. "Give me a clue."
"It is the same shape as the buttons on my jacket," said the first.
"Square," said the second.
"That is my Sunday jacket," said the first. "I meant my weekday jacket. Now what shape is the world?"
"Square on Sunday, round on weekdays," said the second man.

Original List:
1. Handsome.
2. Charming.
3. Financially successful.
4. A caring listener.
5. Witty.
6. In good shape.
7. Dresses with style.
8. Appreciates finer thing.
9. Full of thoughtful surprises.
10. An imaginative, romantic lover.

Revised List (age 32)
1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head).
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs.
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner.
4. Listens more than talks.
5. Laughs at my jokes.
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease.
7. Owns at least one tie.
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal.
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries.
10. Seeks romance at least once a week.

Revised List (age 42)
1. Not too ugly (bald head OK).
2. Doesn`t drive off until I`m in the car.
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally.
4. Nods head when I`m talking.
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes.
6. Is more...

An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"
The old timer said, "I'm a golfer & that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight & out golfing up and down the fairways.
The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?
The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?
The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?"
The old timer said, "He's 100 yrs old and, in fact, he golfed with me this morning... and that's why he's still alive... he's a golfer."
The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"
The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"
The doctor said, more...

*** You just can't win, and here are the reasons why: ***If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy. If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum. If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better. If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity. If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference. If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're insensitive. If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman. If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks more...

An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a check up and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, “What do you attribute to your good health? ” The old timer said, “I’m a turkey hunter and that’s why I’m in such good shape. I’m up well before daylight and out chasing turkeys up and down the mountains. ” The doctor said, “Well, I’m sure that helps but there has got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died? ” The old timer said, “Who said my dad’s dead? ” The doctor said, ”You mean you’re 80 years old and your dad’s still alive? How old is he? ” The old timer said, “He’s 100 yrs old and in fact he hunted turkey with me this morning and that’s why he’s still alive.. he’s a turkey hunter. ” The doctor said, “Well that’s great but I’m sure there’s more to it. How about your dad’s dad…how old was he when he died? ” The old timer said, “Who said my grandpa’s dead? ” The doctor more...