Shift Jokes / Recent Jokes
Q. My shift keys have little arrows on them. Does that mean the *real* shift keys are located above them, and these keys are just little signs to point them out? A. Nope, they're the Real McCoy. The little arrows mean "up", as in "look up at the screen". Your keyboard is telling you to learn to touch type and quit staring at your fingers. Q. What happens if I press both shift keys? A. Even bigger letters may show up on your screen. You should not use this feature, however, because these letters are also brighter, and may cause Screen Burn-In, which would be particularly embarrassing if you were typing something naughty at the time. You might consider obtaining the author's Shift Key Burn-In Protector program for only $139. 95. Or you might not, it's your computer, but don't say I didn't warn you. Q. my religion prohibits the use of shift keys. how can i type capital letters and punctuationA. Discuss alternatives to the shift key with your spiritual advisor. Perhaps more...
Q. My shift keys have little arrows on them. Does that mean the *real* shift keys are located above them, and these keys are just little signs to point them out?
A. Nope, they're the Real McCoy. The little arrows mean "up", as in "look up at the screen". Your keyboard is telling you to learn to touch type and quit staring at your fingers.
Q. What happens if I press both shift keys?
A. Even bigger letters may show up on your screen. You should not use this feature, however, because these letters are also brighter, and may cause Screen Burn-In, which would be particularly embarrassing if you were typing something naughty at the time. You might consider obtaining the author's Shift Key Burn-In Protector program for only $139. 95. Or you might not, it's your computer, but don't say I didn't warn you.
Q. my religion prohibits the use of shift keys. how can i type capital letters and punctuation
A. Discuss alternatives to the shift key with your more...
I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the
following reasons:
i do physical labour
i work at great depths
i am always using my head first
i do not get rdo's, weekends off or public holidays.
i work in a damp environment
i don't get paid overtime or shift penalties
i work in a dark work place that has poor ventilation
i work in high temperatures
my work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Response from Human Resources
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments
you have raised, the administration rejects your request.
you do not work 8 hrs
you fall a sleep on the job after brief work periods
you do not always follow the orders of the management team
you do not stay in your assigned position, and often visit other areas
you take a lot of non rostered breaks
you leave the work place messy at the end of your shift
you do not like working double shifts
and if more...
Shift to the left, shift to the right!
Pop up, push down, byte, byte, byte!
A married couple has been stranded on a deserted island for several years. One day, another man washes up on shore. He and the wife immediately become attracted to each other, but realize they must be creative if they are to engage in any hanky-panky. The husband, however, is very happy to see the second man there.
"Now, we'll be able to have three people doing 8-hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts," he says.
The newcomer is only too happy to help and even volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tower to stand watch. Soon, the couple on the ground are placing stones in a circle to make a fire to cook supper. The second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!" "We're not screwing!" they yell back.
A few minutes later, they start putting driftwood into the stone circle. Again, the second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!" "We're not screwing!" they yell back.
Some time later, more...
"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
"Warning! You want a warning? O. K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."
"In God we trust, all others are suspects."
"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to more...
"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile.""If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.""So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?""Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?""Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.""The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?""Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.""Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid.""In God we trust, all others are suspects.""No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want.""Just how big more...