Shift Jokes / Recent Jokes

All emergency calls will wait until you begin to eat, regardless of the time.

Corollary 1:

Fewer accidents would occur if EMS personnel would never eat.

Corollary 2:

Always order food "to go".

The Paramedical Laws of Time:

There is absolutely no relationship between the time at which you are supposed to get off shift and the time at which you will get off shift.

Given the following equation: T + 1 Minute = Relief Time, "T" will always be the time of the last call of your shift. E.g., If you are supposed to get off shift at 08:00, your last run will come in at 07:59.

(Or if you have early relief coming in you will see you relief sitting at the first stop light from the station, waving!)

The Paramedical Law of Gravity:

Any instrument, when dropped, will always come to rest in the least accessible place possible.

The Paramedical Law of Time And more...

A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the
bedroom. He found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast
asleep. Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet
and proceeded to make love to her. Afterward, as he hurried down- stairs
for something to eat, he was startled to find breakfast on the table and
his wife pouring coffee. "How'd you get down her so fast?" he asked.
"We were just making love!"
"Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That's my mother up there! She came
over early and had complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down
for awhile."
Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. "Mother, I can't believe
this happened. Why didn't you say something?" The mother-in-law
huffed, "I haven't spoken to that jerk for fifteen years, and I wasn't about to start now!"

A bartender was working the late shift. While he was working, a beautiful blonde woman walked in and took a seat at the bar. She ordered up a Coors and sat there drinking for a while. Suddenly, the woman passed out cold on the stool. The bartender had a sudden thought, and so he cautiously looked around. Seeing that no one was around, he closed up the bar, and took advantage of the situation. The next night, the bartender was, again, working the late shift, but some of his friends stopped by, so he told them about the previous night and his good time with the blonde woman. All of a sudden, the blonde walks in again. The bartender motions to his friends that she is the same lady. The lady sits down at the bar and orders another Coors. Eventually, she passes out. The bartender closes up shop, and him and all his friends take their turns. The next night, the bartender is working the late shift. His friends show up, with all of their friends, and so there is a huge crowd in the bar. The more...

In the beginning, God created the bit. And the bit was a zero.
On the first day, he toggled the 0 to 1, and the Universe was. (In those days, bootstrap loaders were simple, and "active low" signals didn't yet exist.)
On the second day, God's boss wanted a demo, and tried to read the bit. This being volatile memory, the bit reverted to a 0. And the universe wasn't. God learned the importance of backups and memory refresh, and spent the rest of the day (and his first all-nighter) reinstalling the universe.
On the third day, the bit cried "Oh, Lord! If you exist, give me a sign!" And God created rev 2.0 of the bit, even better than the original prototype. Those in Universe Marketing immediately realized that "new and improved" wouldn't do justice to such a grand and glorious creation. And so it was dubbed the Most Significant Bit. Many bits followed, but only one was so honored.
On the fourth day, God created a simple ALU with 'add' and more...

Unleash the Power of Shift!

Q: My shift keys have little arrows on them. Does that mean the *real* shift keys are located above them, and these keys are just little signs to point them out?

A: Nope, they're the Real McCoy. The little arrows mean "up", as in "look up at the screen". Your keyboard is telling you to learn to touch type and quit staring at your fingers.

Q: What happens if I press both shift keys?



A: Even bigger letters may show up on your screen. You should not use this feature, however, because these letters are also brighter, and may cause Screen Burn-In, which would be particularly embarrassing if you were typing something naughty at the time. You might consider obtaining the author's Shift Key Burn-In Protector program for only $139. 95. Or you might not, it's your computer, but don't say I didn't warn you.

Q: My religion prohibits the use of shift keys. how can i type capital more...

Telephone relay company night watchman Edward Baker, 31, was killed early Christmas morning by excessive microwave radiation exposure. He was apparently attempting to keep warm next to a telecommunications feed-horn.

Baker had been suspended on a safety violation once last year, according to Northern Manitoba Signal Relay spokesperson Tanya Cooke. She noted that Baker's earlier infraction was for defeating a safety shut-off switch and entering a restricted maintenance catwalk in order to stand in front of the microwave dish.

He had told coworkers that it was the only way he could stay warm during his twelve-hour shift at the station, where winter temperatures often dip to forty below zero. Microwaves can heat water molecules within human tissue in the same way that they heat food in microwave ovens.

For his Christmas shift, Baker reportedly brought a twelve pack of beer and a plastic lawn chair, which he positioned directly in line with the strongest more...

- "The more we sweat in training, the less we bleed on the streets."
- "Your life is not my fault."
- "The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
- "Take your hands off the car and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
- "Remember, when you gotta cuff' em, nobody is your friend."
- "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
- "That says POLICE, not taxi!"
- "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second?"
- "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
- "You can't outrun a radio."
- "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
- "Someone, somewhere is practicing. If you're not, and someday, if you more...