Shit Jokes / Recent Jokes

A woman is in the delivery room giving birth, the doctor tells her to push. She does and the baby's head pops out. The doctor says, "Oh! Your baby has slanted eyes." To which she replies "Yeah I heard them Chinese men were pretty good, so I decided to give them a try. The doctor shrugs it off and tells her to push again. This time the baby's body comes out. "Holy Shit, your baby has a white body," the doctor says. "Yeah I heard them white men were pretty good so I decided to give them a try," she said. The doctor shrugs it off again and tells her to push again and that will be it. So she does and the legs come out. "Holy Shit! Your baby has black legs," the doctor said. "Yeah I heard them black men were pretty good so I decided to give them a try," she said. So the doctor shrugs it off again and ties the umbilical cord and slaps the baby on the ass, it starts to cry. The doctor turns to the woman and asks, "How are you going more...

This comes by way of a died in the wool New Yorker that I sometimes work with. Written by her mom, I think, but there are similar "diaries" floating around. Picture someone moving from the sun belt to the snow belt...
December 8:
6:00 p.m. and it has started to snow. The first of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat by the window watching the soft flakes drift down all over the area. It was beautiful.
December 9:
We awoke to a big blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Every tree and shrub was covered by a beautiful mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time in years and loved it. I did both the driveway and sidewalks. Later, a snow plow came through and covered our sidewalk with compacted snow from the street, so I shoveled it again.
December 12:
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Oh well, I'm sure we will get some more before the winter is through.
December 14:
It snowed inches more...

Life is a shit sandwich and on bad days you get no bread.

there is a guy that walks into a bar and sees a huge pile of money and
asks the bar-keep what its for. The bar-keep says its a bet that no one has one
yet. so the guy asks what has to be done and the bar-keep replys,"three things
have to be done, first, you see that huge wrestler over in the corner?" they guy
says "yup.", "you have to whoop the shit out of him! Then there is a doverman
pincher in that closet over there, you have to go in there and pull his loose
tooth, but he is a mean fucker" "and third?" asked the guy and the bar-keep
answered "see that dike over there, you have to get her to fuck you" and the
guy was wondering how the hel that was all suposed tho be done in one night. So
he took three shots of tequila and siad "FUCK IT!!!!!" he walked ove rthe the
wresteler and beat the shit out ofe him and then walked in to the closet and
every one got quiet after the more...

Ebonics Version of Windows' 98 Ebonics Version of Windows' 98 Debuts!
Microsoft has announced that its special Ebonics version of Windows 98, titled "It be a fresh Window." It has been leaked to several suburbs, causing confusion for unsuspecting users.
There are numerous differences between Windows 98 and the Ebonics version.
When opening the Ebonics version, the familiar windows chime is replaced With a "phat getto track that melts' em down wit dope-ass bass," The opening screen features a Windows logo that is spray painted on a brick wall - along with several gangsta signs, slogans and shout outs.
On the main screen, My Computer is replaced with "Dis My Shit."
The Recycle Bin has been replaced with a Goodwill dumpster.
If users are logged on to a network, the Network Neighborhood is replaced With "Da Hood."
Users have their choice of two animated screen savers: "Marquee," a lil' G spray- painting more...

A bird was flying south for Winter, but he had left it too late and was frozen solid in a storm.
He dropped down into a pasture of cows.
The biggest, fattest cow was doing a crap there, and the bird landed in it.
At first he was disgusted, until he realised the poo was thawing him out!
He started crying out for joy as the ice melted.
A cat that was nearby heard the cries, walked over, saw the bird and ate it
There are three morals to this story:
1. Not everyone who gets you into shit is your enemy.
2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3. If you are in shit, keep your mouth shut.

Notification to all members regarding language use during seminar.
It has been brought to the attention of senior members that some individuals have been using bad language during discussions at the seminar. Due to complaints from some of our easily offended members, this type of language will no longer be accepted or tolerated.
However, we realise the importance of members being able to properly express their feelings when communicating with each other. With this in mind, our human resources committee has compiled a list of phrase replacements so that the proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without offending our more sensitive members.
CURRENT PHRASE-REPLACEMENT PHRASE
NO FUCKING WAY -I'm fairly sure that's not feasible
YOU'RE FUCKING KIDDING -Really?
TELL SOMEONE WHO GIVES A FUCK-Have you run that by...
NO BASTARD TOLD ME -I wasn't involved in that.
I DON'T HAVE THE FUCKING TIME -Perhaps I can stay and work on more...