Shoulder Jokes / Recent Jokes

Meyer, a lonely widower, was walking home along Delancey Street one day wishing something wonderful would change his life, when he passed a Pet Store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish, "Quawwwwk. .. vus machst du. .. yeah, du. .. outside, standing like a schlmiel. .. eh?"
Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. He couldn't believe it. The proprietor sprang out of the door and grabbed Meyer by the sleeve. "Come in here, fella, and check out this parrot. .."
Meyer stood in front of an African Grey that cocked his little head and said, "Vus? Ir kent reddin Yiddish?"
Meyer turned excitedly to the store owner. "He speaks Yiddish?"
"Vuh den? Chinese maybe?"
In a matter of moments, Meyer had placed five hundred dollars down on the counter and carried the parrot in his cage away with him. All night he talked with the parrot in Yiddish. He told the parrot about his father's adventures coming to America, about more...

There was a blonde and two hunters. They went hunting while she waited by the truck. A few minutes later the first hunter came out of the woods with a deer slung over his shoulder. "How did you get that deer?" "Well I saw the tracks, followed the tracks, and shot it. A few minutes later the second hunter came out of the woods with a bear slung over his shoulder. "How did you get that bear?" Well I saw the tracks, followed the tracks, and shot it. Then the blonde grabs his gun and walks into the woods. She saw the tracks, followed the tracks, and then she got hit by a train.

An Alien walks into a bar, goes up to the bartender and pokes him in the shoulder, all the while making a noise like ''Meeeeeeep''. The bartender looks at him and is really weirded out.
He turns around and the alien pokes him in the shoulder again and says ''Meeeeeeep'' The bartender is really pissed now and says to the Alien, ''Dude, next time you do that, Im gonna take you outside and rip your dick off!''
The alien obiously doesn't understand and pokes the bartender again and says ''Meeeeeeeep''. The bartender is so pissed, that he picks him up by the collar of his space suit and draggs him outside to the empty lot and jerks down the Aliens pants.
But, the Alien doesn't have human anatomy and has nothing there to rip off. The bartender is so surprised that he asks, ''Well, if you don't have a dick, how do you have sex?'' The alien just looks at him, pokes him in the shoulder and says ''Meeeeeeep''

Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. They decided to have fun with the man. One of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a girly-man." "Oh really, hmm, didn't know that," said the Irishman.

Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a girly-man, and he didn't care." The second Englishman remarked, "You just don't know how to set him off. .. watch and learn." So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite!"

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."

Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right. He's unshakable!"

The third Englishman remarked, "Boys, I'll really tick him off. .. just watch." So the third Englishman more...

Q1: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's white-out on the screen.
Q2: How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's writing on the white-out.
Q: How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries?
A: She has a checkbook.
Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent to a blonde?
A: There is a stamp on it.
Q: How can you tell when a blonde is dating?
A: By the buckle print on her forehead.
Q: How can you tell who is a blonde's boyfriend?
A: He's the one with the belt buckle the matches the impression in her forehead!
Q: How can you tell which blonde is the waitress?
A: She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering what she did with her pencil.
Q: What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her nametag)?
A: "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one ?"
Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been in your more...

This small Latino man walks into a bar, sits, and orders a beer. A big man comes in, taps him on his shoulder, and says, "You're sitting in my seat!" The same Spanish man ignores him and orders another beer. The man again taps him on his shoulder, and tells him he's sitting in his seat. The same Spanish man gets up, leans over the seat, and says. "I don't see your name on it." He sits down again and orders still another beer. "The man says...I know Karate!" The small Latino man says, "I know JUDO! JU DON'T KNOW IF I HAVE A GUN! JU DON'T KNOW IF I HAVE A KNIFE!"

Q: WHY DID THE BLONDE BAKE A CHICKEN FOR 3 AND A HALF DAYS? A: It said cook it for half an hour per pound, and she weighed 125. Q: WHY DID THE BLONDE PUT HER FINGER OVER THE NAIL WHEN SHE WAS HAMMERING? A: The noise gave her a headache. Q: WHY DID THE BLONDE HAVE BLISTERS ON HER LIPS? A: From trying to blow out lightbulbs. Q: Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar? A: She heard that the drinks were on the house. Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs? A: They don't know the route. Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week? A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday. Q: WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ELVIS AND SMART BLONDES? A: Elvis has been sighted. Q: WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BLONDES AND TRAFFIC SIGNS? A: Some traffic signs say stop. Q: WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BLONDE AND A SHOPPING CART? A: The shopping cart has a mind of its own. Q: What did the blonde do when she noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency? A: She turned it more...