Shove Jokes / Recent Jokes
You're getting company in 30 minutes. Your house is a mess.
WHAT WILL YOU DO?
SECRET TIP 1: DOOR LOCKS
If a room clearly can't be whipped into shape in 30 days--much less 30 minutes--employ the Locked Door Method of cleaning. Tell anyone who tries to go in the room that the door is intentionally locked. CAUTION: It is not advisable to use this tip for the bathroom.
Time: 2 seconds
SECRET TIP 2: DUCT TAPE
No home should be without an ample supply. Not only is it handy for plumbing repairs, but it's a great way to hem drapes, tablecloths, clothes, just about anything. No muss, no fuss.
Time: 2-3 minutes
SECRET TIP 3: OVENS
If you think ovens are just for baking, think again. Ovens represent at least 9 cubic feet of hidden storage space, which means they're a great place to shove dirty dishes, dirty clothes, or just about anything you want to get out of sight when company's coming.
Time: 2 minutes
SECRET more...
An old Jewish man is talking long-distance to California when all of a sudden he gets cut off. He hollers, "Operator, giff me beck the party!"She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to make the call all over again."He says, "What do you want from my life? Giff me beck da party."She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to place the call again."He says, "Operator, ya know vat? Take da telephone and shove it in you-know-vere!" And he hangs up.Two days later he opens the door and there are two big, strapping guys standing there who say, "We came to take your telephone out."He says, "Vy?"They say, "Because you insulted Operator 28 two days ago. But if you'd like to call up and apologize, we'll leave the telephone here."He says, "Vait a minute, vat's da rush, vat's da hurry?" He goes to the telephone and dials. "Hello? Get me Operator 28. Hello, Operator28? Remember me? Two days ago I insulted you? I more...
You're getting company in 30 minutes. Your house is a mess. WHAT WILL YOU DO?
SECRET TIP 1: DOOR LOCKS If a room clearly can't be whipped into shape in 30 days--much less 30 minutes--employ the Locked Door Method of cleaning. Tell anyone who tries to go in the room that the door is intentionally locked. CAUTION: It is not advisable to use this tip for the bathroom. Time: 2 seconds
SECRET TIP 2: DUCT TAPE No home should be without an ample supply. Not only is it handy for plumbing repairs, but it's a great way to hem drapes, tablecloths, clothes, just about anything. No muss, no fuss. Time: 2-3 minutes
SECRET TIP 3: OVENS If you think ovens are just for baking, think again. Ovens represent at least 9 cubic feet of hidden storage space, which means they're a great place to shove dirty dishes, dirty clothes, or just about anything you want to get out of sight when company's coming. Time: 2 minutes
SECRET TIP 4: CLOTHES DRYERS Like Secret Tip 3, except bigger. CAUTION: more...
One day three salesmen went to a farmer. They asked him if he wanted to buy some of their products. He said, "All right. Wait here until I come back with the money...-but don't touch my daughter while I'm gone!"
When he came back, he found them all on top of his daughter. He pointed his shotgun at them and said, "Go out to my garden, pick 10 things, and come back in here."
The first salesman came in there with 10 cherries. The farmer goes, "Ok, shove them up your butt and you can go." So, not wanting to be shot, the salesman shoved the cherries up his butt and he was free to go
The second salesman came in with 10 oranges. Again, the farmer told him to shove them up his butt. After he had done that, the salesman started laughing. The farmer asked, "what's so funny?"
The salesman replies, "The other guy's out there picking watermelons."
THIRTY MINUTES TO A CLEANER HOUSE
You're getting company in 30 minutes. Your house is a mess. WHAT WILL YOU DO?
Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the first session of Housekeeping Tips for Regular People. If you're a Martha Stewart type of housekeeper, this column is NOT for you.
However, for the rest of you, this is your chance to learn 15 Secret Shortcuts to Good Housekeeping that your mother never told you.
SECRET TIP 1: DOOR LOCKS
If a room clearly can't be whipped into shape in 30 days-much less 30 minutes-employ the Locked Door Method of cleaning. Tell anyone who tries to go in the room that the door is intentionally locked.
CAUTION: It is not advisable to use this tip for the bathroom.
Time: 2 seconds
SECRET TIP 2: DUCT TAPE
No home should be without an ample supply. Not only is it handy for plumbing repairs, but it's a great way to hem drapes, tablecloths, clothes, just about anything. No muss, no fuss.
Time: 2-3 minutes
SECRET TIP more...