Sick Jokes / Recent Jokes

Food quotes, quips, and thoughts. . . "Artichokes. .. are just plain annoying. .. After all the trouble you go to, you get about as much actual' food' out of eating an artichoke as you would rom licking thirty or forty postage stamps. Have the shrimp cocktail instead." -- Miss Piggy"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found." --Sam Levinson"This recipe is certainly silly. It says to separate two eggs, but it doesn't say how far to separate them." -- Gracie Allen"I've been on a constant diet for the last two decades. I've lost a total of 789 pounds. By all accounts, I should be hanging from a charm bracelet." -- Erma Bombeck"I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster." -- Joe E. Lewis"I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead -- not sick, not wounded -- more...

A guy with leprosy wins tickets to see the world series. But when he gets there, he has trouble finding a seat because pieces of him arepeeling and flaking off, and he's very concerned about grossing outthe other fans. The leper wanders through the bleachers looking for a seat where hisgrotesque appearance won't disturb anyone else. Finally he finds an open seat where he might be able to watch the game. He asks the manin the adjoining seat if it would be okay to sit there. The man answers, "Yeah. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game." The leper sits down and adds, "As you can see, I have leprosy. Ifit disturbs you, I will move." "It doesn't bother me. Just shut up, and watch the game." A while later, during the fourth inning, the man suddenly vomits. Frothy beer, hot dogs, and peanuts are splattered everywhere. Seeing this, the leper gets up and says, "Thank you for allowingme to sit next to you, but I can see that my appearance has causedyou more...

Just a little "back to school" humor!
> These are actual excuse notes from parents (including original
> spelling) collected by Nisheeth Parekh, University of Texas
> Medical Branch @ Galveston...
>
> My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P. E. today.
> Please execute him.
>
> Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had
> her shot.
>
> Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28,
> 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
>
> Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
>
> Please excuse Roland from P. E. for a few days. Yesterday he
> fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
>
> John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of
> his face.
>
> Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football.
> He was hurt in the growing part.
>
> Megan could not come to school today because she has more...

A small 1 SEATER plane crashed into a cemetery. Police have recovered 102 bodies so far and will continue to dig throughout the night.

There are a Couple of things you should know
When I'm born, I'm black
When I grow up, I'm black
When I go in the sun, I'm black
When I'm cold, I'm black
When I'm sick, I'm black
And when I die, I'm still black.
You white fella
When you're born, you're pink
When you grow up, you're white
When you go in the sun, you're red
When you're cold, you're blue
When you're scared, you're yellow
When you're sick, you're green
And when you die, you're gray.
And you have the nerve to call me colored???

A guy is in a phonebox and he sees an ad for a woman offering blowjobs whilst singing the national anthem. The guy fancies some of this, makes the appointment and goes round. The woman tells him that he must be blindfolded during the event as she does not want him to know her secret. The man agrees and a couple of minutes later he is enjoying the best blowjob of his life and the woman is singing her heart out in perfect soprano.

Several minutes later and the guy is in near delirium, suddenly the phone rings and the woman stops to answer it. She comes back and explains that there is an emergency and she will have to go. She says that she will only be gone a little while so the man is welcome to wait or he can make another appointment. He decides to wait and hears the woman leave. As time goes by the man starts to wonder how the woman was doing it. He did not hear her start a CD and the sound was definitely coming from his nether regions.

Time goes by and the woman more...

One night, a vampire walked into a bar and asked the bartender for a bloody mary. The bartender gave the vampire his bloody mary and after drinking it, the vampire left the bar.

The next night, the vampire walked into the bar again and asked the bartender for another bloody mary. The bartender gave the vampire his bloody mary and, again, after drinking it, the vampire left the bar.

The third night, the vampire walked into the bar and asked for a hot cup of water. The bartender, confused, asked the vampire, "Wait, aren't vampires supposed to drink blood?"

The vampire pulled out a used tampon and replied, "I'm about to. It's tea-time."
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Q: What do you call two lesbians with their periods?

A: Finger-painting