Signed Jokes / Recent Jokes

A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner. The attorney asked, "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?"
"No," the coroner replied.

The attorney then asked, "Did you listen for a heart beat?"
The coroner said, "No."

"Did you check for breathing?", asked the attorney.
Again the coroner replied, "No."

The attorney asked, "So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"
The coroner, now tired of the brow beating said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere."

In a murder trial, thedefense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:
Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?
Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

Frank went to the Godfather one day and asked if job could be found for his nephew who was due to
arrive next week and stay with him until he gets settled.
"No problem," said the Godfather in his deep voice and then continued, "You are a good man to watch
for your relatives. Family is very important"
"Godfather, you should know ahead of time that the boy is deaf and dumb, though. But, he is very
smart," said Frank.
"That's okay," said the Godfather, "We'll give him a job as a bagman and he won't need to talk. You
are a good man Frank."
The boy had been working for about six months picking up numbers game receipts when the Godfather
called Frank into his office. Obviously very angry, he said, "That little scumbag nephew of yours has
been skimming from the collections. I figure he's stolen about $500, 000 by now and I want it back,
right now!"
Frank found his nephew more...

A farmer concerned about well-meaning holiday makers feeding his horse. The farmer put a notice that said: please do not feed cakes and buns to the horse
Signed: the farmer.
Shortly afterwards the horse had put a notice that said: please do not pay attention to the above notice.
Signed: the horse

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what he said.
Just remember...if the world didn't ****, we'd all fall off.
If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
But Most Of All, Remember!
A Friend Is Like A Good Bra. Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart!!!

The Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walked into a room to meet with his accountant.

The Godfather asked the accountant, "Where''s the three million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The accountant didn''t answer.

The Godfather asked again, "Where''s the three million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The attorney interrupted, "Sir, the man is a deaf-mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you."

The Godfather said, "Well, ask him where the @#!* money is."

The attorney, using sign language, asked the accountant where the three million dollars was.

The accountant signed back, "I don''t know what you''re talking about."

The attorney interpreted to the Godfather, "He doesn''t know what you''re talking about."

The Godfather pulled out a pistol, put it to the temple of the accountant, cocked the trigger and said, more...