Simple Jokes / Recent Jokes
.. 1. You are not superman.
2. Recoilless rifles aren't.
3. Don't look conspicuous. It draws fire.
4. Never draw fire. It irritates everyone around you.
5. When in doubt, empty the magazine.
6. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.
7. Your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
8. If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you.
9. All five second grenade fuses are three seconds.
10. Try to look unimportant. They may be low on ammo.
11. The enemy diversion you are ignoring is the main attack.
12. The easy way is always mined.
13. The important things are very simple.
14. The simple things are very hard.
15. When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy, and CNN
16. Incoming fire has right-of-way.
17. Teamwork is essential. It gives the enemy more people to shoot at.
18. Friendly fire isn't.
19. Anything you do can get you shot, including doing nothing.
20. The only more...
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.
Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
Take naps and stretch before rising.
Run, romp, and play daily.
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Avoid biting, when a simple growl will do.
On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.
When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout... run right back and make friends.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.
Be loyal.
Never pretend to be something you're not.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find more...
Friendly fire - isn`t.
Recoilless rifles - aren`t.
Suppressive fires - won`t.
You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note.
A sucking chest wound is Nature`s way of telling you to slow down.
If it`s stupid but it works, it isn`t stupid.
Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.
If at first you don`t succeed, call in an airstrike.
If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short.
Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.
Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
If your attack is going really well, it`s an ambush.
The enemy diversion you`re ignoring is their main attack.
The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: when they`re ready. when you`re not.
No OPLAN ever survives initial contact.
There is no such thing as a perfect more...
A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"
"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track."
"What sort of question?"
"Well, you might ask him,' Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'
The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."
The Direct Approach Description: You just say it. Examples - 1. "I got my period today." (The simple version) 2. "I got my period today so we can't have sex tonight." (The "let there be no doubt" version) 3. "Honey, I'm bleeding." (The gross version) Benefits: Fast, simple, gets the message across. Amusing results can be achieved when the timing is right. Such as when you're in a public place or eating dinner. More amusing results can be achieved when you're eating dinner with his parents. The best results, of course, will be achieved when you're eating dinner with his parents in a public place. Cautions: May freak out some men, if you're unsure about the nature of the relationship you're in but would rather not find out at this stage - go for an alternative approach. Sometimes best to keep until the last minute, like when he can't tell you to go home. Will give away the fact that you regard it as an issue (that is, if you regard it as an issue) more...
A joke from the former republic of Czechoslovakia is a dialogue between an official assigned to gauge public opinion and a peasant. The official made his questionnaire as simple as possible for the rustic mind:' Now, Jan, if you were asked to make three wishes for your country, what would they be?'
'First, I would wish the People's Liberation Army of the People's Republic of Red China to occupy Czechoslovakia.'
The official refused to be put out of countenance.' And what would be your second wish?
'My second wish would be that the People's Liberation Army of the People's Republic of Red China should occupy Czechoslovakia.'
'Okay, okay! That's the same wish twice. What would be your third wish?'
'My third wish would be that the People's Liberation Army of the People's Republic of Red China should occupy Czechoslovakia.'
'Now, aren't you being a little perverse. Why would you wish your country to be invaded and occupied three times by a foreign more...