Slapping Jokes

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I’m actor Shia LeBeouf. A video that was released on YouTube shows me in a slapping contest with a friend, repeatedly calling my friend a “faggot” to encourage him to slap me. The video is several years old, but I am embarrassed that people have seen this footage. What should I do?


Dear Shia,

People will be alarmed by your use of “faggot,” and there’s nothing you can do about it. But this is your chance to raise awareness of a problem greater than homophobia: children growing up in homes without slapping.

Kids shouldn’t have to turn to each other to get their slaps: Their palms are too small, and kids have poor form. A slap without good follow-through may as well be a hug.

Your YouTube video can help change things. Everyone assumes celebrities grew up spoiled with all the slaps they wanted. They assume celebrities were the lucky ones who came home after rehearsal for the school play, had dinner with more...

Farmer Petrovich is whipping and slapping his sheep when the localminister comes walking around the corner. The minister says, "My, Farmer Petrovich, you're certainly giving thatsheep a beating. You wouldn't do that to your wife, would you?" The farmer says, "I would if she farted and jumped sideways every time I tried to mount her!

Farmer Petrovich is whipping and slapping his sheep when the localminister comes walking around the corner.The minister says, "My, Farmer Petrovich, you're certainly giving thatsheep a beating. You wouldn't do that to your wife, would you?"The farmer says, "I would if she farted and jumped sideways every time I tried to mount her!

A man and his pet chimp are drinking at the local bar and the drunk chimp goes berserk and runs screaming down the length of the bar, spilling drinks, slapping customers, eating peanuts by the handfull, then leaps onto the billiards table and eats the 8-ball.
Needless to say, the bartender bans the two from the bar until the man can properly train his chimp.
Two weeks later, the man and chimp return and after some drinks, the monkey again goes berserk and runs screaming down the length of the bar, slapping customers all the way.
Then he leaps over to the peanut bowl, delicately grabs a single peanut, dips it in his bung hole, then eats it. He repeats this peanut eating process a couple of times and the bartender, angry, asks the man what kind of "training" his monkey has had.
The man says "Hey, cut the little guy some slack. After that 8-ball incident, at least he measures his food now!"

A couple from earth has finally saved up enough money to take a vacation on mars (they could do that then). So they go to mars and meet a martain couple and start talking about they way they do things and come to the subject of sex. They decide to switch partners for the night to see what happens. The human woman and the man martain go into a room and the martain strips but his thing is the size of a pencil (whoa), and the woman says, "um, how is this going to work?" The martain man replies "Oh, not big enough? Okay then." All of a sudden he starts slapping his forehead and his thing grows longer. "Um, that's good but isn't it still a little thin?" No problem" the martain man replies. Then he starts pulling his ears and it grows wider. The woman is amazed by this and they have wonderful sex. The next day they meet and the human man asks his wife how it was and she said "Oh my, it was wonderful! How was your night?" The man replied, "It more...