Soccer Jokes / Recent Jokes

Joe and Jim were out cutting wood, and Jim cut his arm off. Joe wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and took Jim to a surgeon.

The surgeon said "You're in luck! I'm an expert at reattaching limbs! Come back in 5 hours." So Joe left and when he returned in 5 hours the surgeon said "I got done quicker than I expected. Jim is down at the pub." Joe went to he pub and there was Jim, throwing darts.

A few weeks later, Joe and Jim were cutting wood again, and Jim cut his leg off. Joe put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and Jim back to the surgeon.

The surgeon said "No problem, but legs are a little tougher. Come back in 8 hours." Joe left and when he came back in 6 hours the surgeon said "I finished early, Jim's down at the soccer field." Joe went down to the soccer field and there was Jim, kicking goals.

A few weeks later, Jim had a terrible accident and cut his head off. Joe put the head in a plastic bag more...

It was a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle so the Elephants decided to challenge the Ants to a game of soccer.
The game was going well with the Elephants beating the Ants ten goals to nil, when the Ants gained possession. The Ants’ star player was dribbling the ball towards the Elephants’ goal when the Elephants’ left back came lumbering towards him. The elephant trod on the little ant, killing him instantly. The referee stopped the game.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing?
Do you call that sportsmanship, killing another player? ”
The elephant replied, “Well, I didn’t mean to kill him - I was just trying to trip him up. ”

Florida State football coach Bill Peterson: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." He also said, "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."
Mike Tyson, about writer Wallace Matthews: "He called me a rapist and a recluse. I'm not a recluse."
Weightlifting commentator Pat Glenn: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing."
Alan Minter: "There have been injuries and deaths in boxing, but none of them serious."
Football coach Bill Peterson: "Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl."
Basketball player Jason Kidd: "We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
Soccer coach Ron Greenwood: "I don't hold water with that theory."
Baseball player Pedro Guerrero, on sportswriters: "Sometimes they write what I say and not what I mean."
Tennis more...

The Norweigans defeated the US women's soccer team. And allegedly, we’re supposed to care.

LA Galaxy star David Beckham will likely miss up to six more weeks after suffering a knee injury in a recent match.

The injury would have been less severe, but Posh Spice had borrowed his knee pads that day.

Q: What part of a football pitch smells nicest?
A: The scenter spot!
Q: Why aren't football stadiums built in outer space?
A: Because there is no atmosphere!
Q: What's the chilliest ground in the premiership?
A: Cold Trafford!
Q: How did the footbal pitch end up as triangle?
A: Somebody took a corner!
Q: Which England player keeps up the fuel supply?
A: Paul gas coin!
Q: What does Paul Inces mum make for Christmas?
A: Ince pies!
Q: What does a footballer and a magician have in common?
A: Both do hat tricks!
Q: Which goal keeper can jump higher than a crossbar?
A: All of them, a crossbar can't jump!
Q: Why are football players never asked for dinner?
A: Because they're always dribbling!
Q: Why did the footballer hold his boot to his ear?
A: Because he liked sole music

Sam and John were out cutting wood, and John cut his arm off. Sam wrapped the
arm in a plastic bag and took it and John to a surgeon. The surgeon said, "You
are in luck! I am an expert at reattaching limbs! Come back in four hours."
Sam came back in four hours and the surgeon said, "I got done faster than I
expected to. John is down at the local pub." Sam went to the pub and saw John
throwing darts.
A few weeks later, Sam and John were out again, and John cut his leg off. Sam
put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and John back to the surgeon. The
surgeon said, "Legs are a little tougher - come back in six hours."
Sam returned in six hours and the surgeon said, "I finished early - John's down
at the soccer field." Sam went to the soccer field and there was John, kicking
goals.
A few weeks later, John had a terrible accident and cut his head off. Sam put
the head in a plastic bag and took it more...