Soccer Jokes / Recent Jokes
The following Transcript was performed in June of 2006 at the Broadway Comedy Club in New York City.I hope I don't seem too off tonight - I caught Paris Hilton's new single the other day; now my ears itch, and it burns when I hear.
Y'like what I did there, right? Yeah...it's funny cuz she's a whore.
I saw in the paper yesterday that Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan got into it at some Hollywood party recently, and the papers were calling it a "catfight," which to me is typical tabloid exaggeration.
We all know the rule of thumb: it ain't a catfight, unless we see some titty. It's gotta be confirmed by at least two witnesses...
So I say let'em go at it til shit gets to rippin'. It's not like there's high expectations floating around for these two. It's not like there's a lot of people who think'Paris Hilton' and'Lindsay Lohan' and immediately think, 'class.'
I've known chicks from Jersey with more self-esteem. Seriously, as I speak there is a fifty year old more...
A soccer goalkeeper was walking along the street one day when he heard screams from a nearby building. He looked up to see smoke billowing from a fourth-floor window and a woman leaning out holding a baby.
“Help! Help! ” screamed the woman, “I need someone to catch my baby! ”
A crowd of onlookers had gathered, but none was confident about catching a baby dropped from such a great height. then the goalkeeper, stepped forward. “I’m a professional goalkeeper, ” he called to the woman. “I’m renowned for my safe hands. Drop the baby and I will catch it. For me, it will be just like catching a ball. ”
The woman agreed: “Ok, then. When I drop my baby, treat it as if you were catching a ball. ”
On a count of three, the woman dropped the baby. Everyone held their breath as the goalkeeper lined himself up to catch it. There was a huge sigh of relief, followed by wild cheering as the goalkeeper caught the baby safely in his arms. Then he bounced it more...
Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban was tapped today to make soccer more popular in the United States. To increase appeal to American audiences, forwards will be able to use their hands to throw the ball in the net. They will also be able to use hockey sticks, but only on opposing players - using the stick on the ball will result in a Nextel Yellow Card. And if play gets tied up in the middle third of the field for over 15 seconds, each team will be required to send out a female dance squad to perform in front of each goal.
A British soccer fan hung himself after his team lost to Manchester United. We hope Detroit Lions fans are not paying attention.
When was soccer introduced to the bible?
When Jesus christ went up for the cross.
I hate the World Cup. It blows. Mostly because I watched the USA team and we suck. We scored two goals in three games. Not bad for four years of training. By the way, one of our goals was scored accidentally by the other team! We have no big scorer. You're telling me the USA can't produce one big soccer star? It's kicking a ball! We need a guy with one name. That's the key. Brazil is full of them. They have Rolidinho, Rinaldo, Kafu, and my favorite name ever: Caca. That's what we need! A guy named after excrement. Like DooDoo or PeePee. We were eliminated by Ghana. Ghana? I don't even know where Ghana IS and they beat us! Do you know that they had to shut down the mine shafts in Ghana to conserve electricity so the country would have enough power for their television to run? The first thing I thought was-Ghana has a television? Next thing you know they'll have nukes! How did we not pay them off? Pssst-hey goalie, I'll give your whole team XBoxes and dentistry for a year if you let us more...