Soda Jokes / Recent Jokes

1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do.4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.6. Movie related foods (Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and no part of one's personal fuel.7. Cookie pieces contain no calories - the process of breaking causes calorie leakage.8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.9. Food that have the same color have the more...

One evening, while sharing a few drinks at the bar, one of the ladies suggests, "Let's name our Larrys after a soda pop, because I'm tired of getting my Larry mixed up with your Larry, and her Larry mixed up with your Larry."
The other two ladies agree.
The first lady speaks out, "Okay then, I'm gonna name my Larry 7-Up because he has 7 inches and it's always up!"
The three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other high fives. Then, the second lady says, "I'm gonna name my Larry Mountain Dew because he can mount and do me any day of the week."
Again, the three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other more high fives.
The third lady then says, "You know, those two Larrys were good, but I'm gonna name my Larry, Jack Daniels."
The other two ladies shout in unison, "Jack Daniels? That's not a soda pop... that's a hard liquor!"
The third lady bursts out, "That's my Larry!!"

Diet for Stress How's your stress level? This should help. It is more than a diet, so read on... This diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day.Breakfast:1/2 grapefruit 1 slice whole wheat toast 8 oz. skim milkLunch: 4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast 1 cup steamed spinach 1 cup herb tea 1 Oreo cookieMid-Afternoon snack: The rest of Oreos in the package 2 pints Rocky Road ice cream with nuts, cherries and whipped cream 1 jar hot fudge sauceDinner: 2 loaves garlic bread 4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke 1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza 3 Snickers barsLate Evening News: Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer)Rules for this Diet1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy jar are canceled out by the diet soda.3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.4. Food used for more...

There was an elderly couple who went to McDonald's. They ordered one cheeseburger, one large fry, one large drink, and an extra large soda. When the old couple sat down, the man sitting next to them watched the old man cut the burger in half, taking half of the fries and giving his wife half, and pouring the soda in the extra cup he ordered. The man at the next table was confused, so he went over there and told the couple that if they couldn't afford a meal for each of them, he would be happy to pay for it. The old man shook his head and told him that there was no need because he and his wife had shared everything for the last 40 years. The man went back to his seat and then he saw the old man eating while the old woman just sat there doing nothing. He went over to them again and asked the old lady why she wasn't eating.
She said, ''Well, it's his turn to use the teeth.'''

There was a huge fire at a big city soda factory. The city company was losing ground and the owner was frantic. He told the fire department that he needed a secret formula in the safe that was in the center of the blaze, and he would give 10,000 dollars to the department that got the formula. An hour later no ground was gained and a mutual aid call was put out. When 12 departments couldn`t subdue the blaze the owner saw this he raised the reward to 100,000 dollars. Suddenly a small town department drove their truck right into the fire and emerged 10 minutes later with the formula. When asked what they would do with the money one said, "Get them damn brakes fixed we figure."

A blonde walks into a grocery store one day and tells the Cashier "UMM sir, your um soda machine is broken" The cashier says " Oh well that is odd i just got a soda from there. Well what seems to be the problem?" The blonde says "Well my quarters wont fit into the machine no matter which way i turn them!" Puzzled the cashier askes the blonde to show him what she is talking about. She said " O.K. i got four quarters from my purse." The Cashier says, "ok" then she continues, "i tried to put them in under where it said "insert dollar here" like this, but see they just dont fit!!!"

A young beautiful brunett French girl goes into a bar and she is
wearing this low cut black sleeveless dress.
She sits down and waves her arm at the bartenter and says "Oh
bartender" "May I have a scotch and soda please?!" (well we all know
French girls don't shave)
The regular drunk at the end of the counter says "Put the pretty
ballerina's drink on my tab" so the bartender does.
A little bit later The pretty girl waves her arm and says "Oh
Bartender" "May I have another scotch and soda please"
Again the regular drunk at the end of the counter says "Put the pretty
ballerina's drink on my tab"
and the bartender does.
Well...this goes on a few more times and then the bartender goes over
to the drunk and says
"why are you buying this girl all these drinks and how do you know
she's a ballerina?"
The regular drunk says "well, I think she's a pretty more...