Soldier Jokes / Recent Jokes

Two soldiers were having a chat during their free time. First Soldier: Why did you join the army?

Second Soldier: I didn't have a wife and I loved war. So I joined.

How about you? Why did you join the army?

First Soldier: I had a wife and I loved peace. So I joined.

A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis.

Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General's office. "Since we weren't actually at war," the General began, "I can't give out any medals. We did, however, want to let each of you know your efforts were appreciated.

What we've decided to do is to let each of you choose two points on your body. You will be given two pounds sterling for each inch of distance between those parts. We'll start on the left, boys, so what'll it be?"

Soldier 1: "The tip of me head to me toes, sahr!" General: "Very good son, that's 70 inches which comes to 140 pounds"

Soldier 2: "The tip of the finger on one outstretched hand to the tip of the other, sir!"

General: "Even better son, that's 72 inches more...

The Israeli soldier had been in the army only a week, but already he was sick of the long hours and regimentation. He asked his superior officer for leave. The officer laughed and said he could have a weekend pass under one condition: He had to capture a Syrian tank.
Undaunted, the soldier left and an hour later returned with a spanking new Syrian tank.
Shocked, the commanding officer walked over as the soldier climbed from the hatch.
"I don't believe it!" he said, running his hand along the bazooka plate. "You must tell me how you did it."
"Simple," said the soldier. "I drove into the DMZ, saw a Syrian soldier, asked him if he wanted a weekend pass, and we swapped tanks."

The soldier had been in training for six weeks before he was finally given leave.
"Darling, "he wrote to his wife,' Til be arriving at the airport on Sunday. But let me warn you: You'd better reserve a hotel room nearby."
Just before he left, the soldier received this note from his wife: "Darling," it said, "I'll be there to meet you. But let me warn you: You'd better be the first guy off the plane."

Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar? Soldier: Sure, buddy. Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again. Do you have change for a dollar? Soldier: No, SIR!

Inspecting the field where the new recruits were running through camouflage exercises, the general was right pleased until suddenly a man disguised as a tree started screaming and shucked off his disguise of branches and leaves.
Livid with rage, the general ordered the panicked private to come to his tent.
"Soldier," he said when the man had calmed somewhat, "do you realize that if this had been a combat situation your irresponsible behavior might have gotten your entire regiment killed?"
"I'm sorry, sir," the soldier replied, "I really am.
"Sorry isn't enough!" the general boomed. "I want to know what happened!"
"Well, sir," the soldier began, "with all due respect, I stood perfectly still when a woodpecker came along and started poking at my arm. And I didn't so much as flinch when a dog wandered over and tipped a kidney on my leg.
But, sir. .. it was the squirrels that finally got to more...

An army Major visiting the sick soldiers, went to one private and asked, “What’s your problem, Soldier? ”
“Chronic syphilis, Sir. ”
“What treatment are you getting? ”
“Five minutes with the wire brush each day. ”
“What’s your ambition? ”
“To get back to the front, Sir. ”
“Good man, ” said the Major.

He went to the next bed, “What’s your problem, Soldier? ”
“Chronic piles, Sir. ”
“What treatment are you getting? ”
“Five minutes with the wire brush each day. ”
“What’s your ambition? ”
“To get back to the front, Sir. ”
“Good man, ” barked the Major.

He moved to the next bed, “What’s your problem, Soldier? ”
“Chronic gum disease, Sir”
“What treatment are you getting? ”
“Five minutes with the wire brush each day. ”
“What’s your ambition? ”
“To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir! ”