Somebody Jokes / Recent Jokes

a.. "My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet." - Rodney Dangerfield
b.. "Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes." - Robert M. Hutchins
c.. "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
d.. "If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done." - Anonymous
e.. "I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three." - Elayne Boosler
f.. "When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other." -Rita Rudner
g.. "I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!' " -Bruce Baum
h.. "I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more more...

Sardarji went to US to live with his brother. Sardarji's Brother owns an apple shop in US.
One day he asked his brother to stay at the shop because he had to go somewhere.
He asked his brother if somebody comes to shop and ask for the apple's price,
tell them $2 a pound. If somebody questions whether these apples are sweet
or sour, tell them some are sweet and some are not.
If some body says I do not want to buy, tell them somebody else will buy.
Now the sardarji was ready to sell the apples.
A lady comes and asks sardarji, Do you know what time it is?
Sardarji replied $2 a pound. Lady said; all sardarji's are idiot and fools.
Sardarji replied, some are, some are not. Lady got frustrated and said, I
will take you to police station.
Sardarji replied, if you will not take me some body else will take..

There were three friends, Mad, Nobody and Somebody. One day, Somebody fought with Nobody and killed him. At once Mad called the police and said,"Somebody killed Nobody." The police asked him,"Are you mad?" and Mad said,"How did you guess?."

1. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.



2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.



3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.



4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.



5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?



6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.



7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?



8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?



9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.



10. I have six locks on my door, all in more...

You've ever held somebody up with a caulk gun.
You have every episode of "Hee Haw" on tape.
Your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than your grandfather.

There was a man named Bubba and Bubba knew EVERYONE in the whole world!!! Once when Bubba got a new job, Bubba says to his new boss, "Boss, I know everyone in the whole world!"
His boss doesn't believe him, so he says "No you do not know everyone in the whole world" but Bubba says "Yes I do!"
So Bubba's boss says "Well prove it!" then Bubba says "Pick someone...and I know them!"
Well Bubba's boss thinks for a minute and then comes up with a name. "Tom Selleck! I bet you don't know Tom Selleck!"
Bubba says "Tom Selleck! Tom and I were in boy scouts together when we were kids!" but Bubba's boss says "No you weren't!" then Bubba says "Yes we were!"
So they fly to Hollywood and drive up to Tom Selleck's house. Bubba knocks on the door and Tom Selleck answers and Bubba goes "Tom!!!" and Tom goes "Bubba!" and they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Bubba's more...

A group of eight-year-olds where posed this question: "What does love mean?"

The answers they got:

"Love is that first feeling you feel before all the bad stuff gets in the way."

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."

"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth."

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your french fries without making them give you any of theirs."

"Love is when someone hurts you. And you get so mad but you don't yell at them because you know it would hurt their more...