Somebody Jokes / Recent Jokes

George Carlin's Reflections on Life:1. Never raise your hands to you kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? 6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but going faster is a maniac? 9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is! 10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.11. One out of every three more...

In the land of Copper Sand there were four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody
and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody
would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that,
because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized
that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody
did what Anybody could have.
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(c) Los Angeles Times Syndicate and Creators Syndicate 1/6

Santa went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I get this weird feeling that there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, to check it out, but then I think there's somebody on top of it. I go back and forth, all night long, on top, under, on top, under... You gotta help me, Doc, I'm going crazy!"
"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit."
"I'll sleep on it," said Santa.
Six months later the doctor met Santa on the street.
"Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"For a hundred bucks a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."
"Is that so! How did he do that?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

Perhaps difficult enough for adults to define, this question received
some interesting responses from those of a younger generation...
What Exactly Is Marriage??
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give
her back to her parents"
-Eric, AGE 6
"When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to
the girl. He says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at
least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one
particular thing for me.' Then she says yes, but she's wondering
what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to
find out."
-Anita, AGE 9
How Does a Person Decide Whom to marry??
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means
you try the next one."
-Kelly, AGE 9
"My mother says to look for a man who is more...

The Story....
A guy lost his girlfriend in a train accident....

but the gal `s name nowhere appeared in the dead list. This guy

grew up n became IT technical architect in his late 20? s, achievement in
itself!!.

He hired developers from the whole globe and plan to make a

software where he could search for his gf through the web..

Things went as planned...

n he found her, after losing millions of dollars and 3 long years!!

It was time to shut down the search operation, when the CEO of Google had a
word with this guy n took over this application,
This Software made a whopping 1 billion dollars profit in its first year,
which we today know as ORKUT.
The guy `s name is ORKUT BUYUKKOTEN. Yes its named after him only. Today he is paid a hefty sum by Google for the things we do like scrapping. He is expected to b the richest person by 2009.
ORKUT BUYUKKOTEN today has 13 assistants more...

A very large, old building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.
While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the police. When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright.
They said "This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important."
Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any more, they had to know who they had found.
They called the police station and said, "We're the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it really was Jimmy Hoffa."
The cop said, " Well, it wasn't Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important."
"Well, who was it?"
"The more...

A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor. While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the police. When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said, "This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important." Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any more, they had to know who they had found. They called the police and said, "We are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important." The police said, "It's not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important." "Well, who was it?" "The 1956 Blonde National more...