Somebody Jokes / Recent Jokes

Brian went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. Then, when I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Doc, you've gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"
"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the psychiatrist. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"My fee is per visit."
"That's awfully expensive, Doc," reckoned Brian. "Let me sleep on it, and I'll get back to you."
Six months later, the doctor and Brian crossed paths. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"For a visit? Heck, a bartender cured me for free! "
"How do you figure?" asked the psychiatrist.
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

(Hear are some real answers/comments given by kids about love)
1) HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT
ARE IN LOVE?
"Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can
tell if he's in love." - Bobby, age 9
"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food
will get cold... Other people care more about the food."
- Bart, age 9
"Romantic adults usually are all dressed up, so if they are
just wearing jeans it might mean they used to go out or
they just broke up." - Sarah, age 9
"See if the man has lipstick on his face." - Sandra, age 7
"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on
fire. They like to order those because it's just like how
their hearts are --- on fire." - Christine, age 9
2) TITLES OF THE LOVE BALLADS YOU CAN SING TO YOUR BELOVED
"'How Do I Love Thee When You're Always Picking Your more...

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy more...

Jay went to a psychiatrist. "Doc, he said, "I`ve got trouble.
Every time I get into bed I think there is somebody under it.
I get under the bed; I think there`s somebody on top of it.
Top, under, under top. I`m going crazy!"
"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink.
"Come to me three times a week and I`ll cure you."
"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit."
"I`ll think about it."
Jay never went back. Some time later he met the doctor on the street.
"Why didn`t you ever come to see me again? Asked the psychiatrist.
"For a hundred buck a visit? A bartender cured me for 10 dollars."
"Is that so! How?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed."

Two drunks, Santa and Banta, enter a hotel late at night. They approach the clerk, and Santa says, "Could you pleash give ush a bed with two rooms?"

"You mean a room with two beds?" asks the clerk.

"Whatever, whatever you shay."

So they get a key and somehow manage to stumble upstairs to their room. After fumbling for ten minutes, they even manage to get their door open. As they stumble inside, the door closes behind them and they are in total darkness. They go forward slowly, and both fall on the bed closest to the door.

"Ahh," says Santa, "Now we can get some sleep at last."

As they try to rearrange themselves, they suddenly realize that they are not alone in their bed.

"Hey! There's somebody in my bed!" says Banta.

"There's somebody in my bed too!" says Santa.

"Let's get rid of them. We paid for this room and we're going more...

George Carlin's Reflections on Life:
1. Never raise your hands to you kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but going faster is a maniac?
9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is!
10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking more...

1. Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands. People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.
2. Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss -and you *will* get caught - your best defence is to claim you're teaching yourself to use more...