Someone Jokes / Recent Jokes

How to be sure if someone is an Idiot? You can be sure someone is an idiot when he/she: Spends twenty minutes looking at an orange juice box because it said concentrate. Puts lipstick on their forhead because he wanted to makeup his mind. Gets stabbed in a shoot-out. Sends a fax with a stamp on it. Was on the corner giving out potato chips yellin FREE LAYS! ” Tries to drown a fish. If you gave them a penny for their intelligence, you’d get change. Thinks socialism means partying. Trips over a cordless phone. Takes a ruler to bed to see how long they slept. At the bottom of the application where it says SIGN HERE he put Sagittarius. ” Takes 2 hours to watch 60 minutes. Studies for a blood test and fails. Invents a solar powered flashlight. Sells the car for gas money. Heard 90% of all crimes occur around the home, he moves. Misses the 44 bus, and takes the 22 bus twice instead. Takes you to the airport and saw a sign that said, Airport left, he turned around and went home.

You know you're from Oklahoma if:
a tornado warning siren is your signal to go out in the yard and look for a funnel.
your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.
you ever had to switch from heat to A/C in the same day.
you see people wear bib overalls at funerals.
little smokies are something you serve only for "special occasions".
you refer to the capital of Oklahoma as "The City".
you know cowpies are not made from beef.
someone you know has used a football schedule to plan their wedding date.
you have know someone who has had one belt buckle bigger than your fist.
you aren't surprised to find movie rental, ammunition, and bait all in the same store.
your "place at the lake" has wheels under it.
you learned to shoot a 12 guage shot gun before you learned to multiply.
And finally, you are 100% Oklahoman if you have ever heard or been a part of this more...

1. You can name everyone you graduated with.
1a. Your graduation lasted 20 minutes.
2. You get a whiff of manure and think of home.
2a. You can smell the difference between different animals' manure.
3. You know what 4-H is.
3a. You were in 4-H.
3b. You can walk through the entire county fair in 15 minutes.
4. You ever went to "headlight parties".
4a. Your busiest intersection does not have a stop light.
5. You used to drag "main".
5a. You noticed when there was a new car in town.
6. You said the "f" word and your parents knew within the hour.
7. You schedule parties around the schedule of different police officers, since you know which ones will bust you and which ones won't.
8. You ever went cow-tipping.
9. You have gone to an auction as a social gathering.
10. You have ever partied with a guy who is 25, has no job, but is the "buyer" for all of the best parties.
11. You have more...

Two blondes went out into the woods on a hunting trip.
They are out there for several hours, and discover that they are lost!
One says, "I heard that if you're lost in the woods, you fire three shots in the air, and wait for someone to come and rescue you."
"Ok," says her pal, "let's do it."
So they did, and waited to be rescued, but no-one came to their aid, so after an hour, they fired three more shots in the air, and waited again.
It's nearly dark by now, and one says to the other, "I hope someone comes soon, we're down to our last three arrows."

Democracy is that form of government where everybody gets what the majority deserves.
Diplomacy is the ability to tell someone to "get lost" in such a way that they look forward to the trip.
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way.
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you find a large enough rock.
Do not believe in miracles, rely on them.
Do someone a favor and it becomes your job.
Do whatever your enemies do not want you to do.
Doing a good job around here is like wetting your pants in a dark suit; you get a warm feeling, but nobody notices.
Don't be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.
Don't be so open minded that your brain falls out.

1. You can name everyone you graduated with2. You get a whiff of manure and think of home3. You know what 4-H is4. You ever went to "headlight parties"5. You used to drag "main"6. You said the 'f' word and your parents knew within the hour7. You schedule parties around the schedule of different police officers, since you know which ones will bust you and which ones won't8. You ever went cow-tipping9. You have ever partied with a guy who is 25, has no job, but is the 'buyer' for all of the best parties10. You have parties at the same guy's house12. School gets cancelled for state sporting events13. The town social events are their children's14. You could never buy cigarettes because all the store clerks knew how old you were (and, if you were old enough, they'd tell your parents, anyhow)15. When you did find someone old enough and brave enough to buy smokes, you still had to go out to the country and drive on back roads to smoke them16. Social acceptance in town more...

Someone said that you are not fit to sleep with pigs. I stuck up for the pigs.