Squad Jokes / Recent Jokes

An Alexander County Deputy pulled a car over on I-57 about 2 miles north of the Missouri State line. When the Deputy asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Branson to a show that night and didn't want to be late.

The deputy told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket. The driver told the deputy that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The deputy told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his squad car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the deputy got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the squad car, a drunk got out and watched the performance briefly, he then went over to the squad car, opened the rear door and got in. The more...

*Take his nightstick and play whack-a-mole with his head
*Ask the cop if you can use his pepper spray to "spice up" your takeout *
*Take his flashlight and play flashlight tag with yourself.
*When he walks up to you, look at his gut and say "I thought you had to be physically fit to be a cop."
*Draw happy faces on all the pages in his ticket book.
*Ask if his bullet-proof vest would protect him from projectile vomiting.
*Ask him if you can take his squad car out for a joy-ride.
*When he ask you for your licence say, "Oh sure officer, I could reach it if you'd hold my beer."
*Explain speeding with, "See officer, I was driving along when I droped my bag of crack. I tried to pick it up but, when I did, my gun fell and jammed my foot against the gas pedal."
*Lie on the ground and aks him to draw your outline in chalk.
*Tell him you wanted to be a cop but decided to graduate high school more...

Well, it seems that these three fellows, an American, a German and a
[ethnic], are about to be executed in front of a firing squad. As the
final hour approachs, each man is trying to think of a way to escape his
inevitable doom. The time comes for the execution and the American is
brought first in front of the firing squad. As the blindfold is being tied
around his head, he decides that he will attempt his escape by diverting
the attention of his executioners at the final moment, and then running
away.
The officer in charge of the executions starts his countdown: "10, 9, 8,... "
Just before the officer reaches "1," the American shouts,
"Flood!"
Startled, all of the gunmen look up from their rifles and turn around
searching for the onrush of water. In all of this confusion, the American
manages to take off his blindfold and run away. By the time the
executioners are aware of what happened, the more...

(This is original, copyright 1989 Tony Lovell)
The dew was still wet as the prisoner was let out into the yard for the last
time. The soldiers of the firing detail shuffled out to their usual
positions as the guards led the prisoner to the stake at the far end of the
paddock. There, he was securely bound as the captain of the guards stepped
forward to contend with the final courtesies.
"Blindfold?" he inquired.
"No, thank you," said the condemned.
The captain was a little taken aback at the difficulty and leaned forward so
as not to be heard.
"Please," he said, "take the blindfold. It is not an act of cowardice to be
spared this spectacle. It makes it MUCH easier for you."
The condemned thought for a moment and relented. The blindfold was tied
over his eyes.
"Cigarette?" offered the captain.
"No thanks," said the prisoner, "I don't more...

NB: PLEASE DONT GET OFFENDED..... TAKE IT WITH A FUNNY NERVE
Bengali
One Bengali is a poet
Two Bengalis is a film society
Three Bengalis is a political party
Four Bengalis is two political parties
-Bihari
One Bihari is Laloo Prasad Yadav
Two Biharis is a booth-capturing squad
Three Biharis is a caste killing
Four Biharis is the entire literate population of Patna
-Punjabi
One Punjabi is a 100 kg hulk named Pinky
Two Punjabis is a Pinky with his bigger brother Twinky
Three Punjabis is an assault on the McAloo Tikkis at the local McDonalds
Four Punjabis is a combined IQ equal to one
-Mallu
One Mallu is a coconut stall
Two Mallus is a boat race
Three Mallus is a Gulf job racket
Four Mallus is an oil slick
-UP Bhaiyya
One UP bhaiyya is a milkman
Two UP bhaiyyas is a halwai shop
Three UP bhaiyyas is a fist-fight in the UP assembly
Four UP bhaiyyas is a more...

An inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the follow morning. Throughout the day, the prison guards were being very nice to him. But when they asked him if he wanted something specific for his last meal, he didn't want anything special. When they asked if there was something special he wanted to do, he said nothing. It went on like this all day. Finally when he was put before the firing squad, the guard asked if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold. "No," the inmate said, "just get it over with." "Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?" said the guard. "You didn't even want a special last meal!" The inmate thought. "Actually," he said, "Music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions." The guard nodded and told him to go ahead. The inmate started, "One billion bottles of beer on the more...

= Your Favorite Ethnic Minority.
Well, it seems that these three fellows, an American, a German
and a , are about to be executed in front of a firing squad. As
the final hour approachs, each man is trying to think of a way to escape
his inevitable doom. The time comes for the execution and the American
is brought first in front of the firing squad. As the blindfold is
being tied around his head, he decides that he will attempt his escape
by diverting the attention of his executioners at the final moment, and
then running away.
The officer in charge of the executions starts his countdown:
"10, 9, 8,... " Just before the officer reaches "1," the American
shouts, "FLOOD!!" Startled, all of the gunmen look up from their
rifles and turn around searching for the onrush of water. In all of this
confusion, the American manages to take off his blindfold and run away.
By the time the executioners are aware of more...