Steven Wright Jokes / Recent Jokes

When I was a kid, I remember seeing Smokey the Bear on TV saying, "Only you can prevent forest fires." So I`d sneak out of the house in the middle of the night with a bucket of water -- "Gotta go to work."

When I was 10, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven`t spoken since.

I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building. I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turned to the other and said, "See, that`s how it`s done."

I was cleaning out my closet and I found a swim suit that I had made out of sponges. I remember one time when I wore it. When I got out of the swimming pool nobody could go swimming until I came back.

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I`m in a submarine that`s been hit.

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, "So. What did you think?"

I heard that in relativity theory space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.