Stewardess Jokes / Recent Jokes

Upon reaching his seat on the plane, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped into the seat next to him. The man asks the stewardess for a coffee, and the parrot squawks, "While you're at it, why don't you get me a whiskey, you bitch."
The stewardess, flustered by the parrot's outburst, brings back a whiskey for the parrot, but forgets the man's coffee. As the man politely points out the omission of his coffee to the stewardess, the parrot downs his drink and shouts, "And get me another whiskey, you slut."
Now visibly shaken, the stewardess comes back with the parrot's whiskey, but still no coffee for the man. Unaccustomed to such behavior, the man decides that he is going to try the parrot's approach: "Listen, I've asked you twice for a coffee, wench. I expect you to get it for me right now or I'm going to slap that disgustingly ugly face of yours!"
The next thing they know, both the man and the parrot are wrenched up and thrown out of the more...

The huge Air Canada Jumbo jet is just coming into Pearson Airport (Toronto) on its final approach. The pilot comes on over the intercom. "This is Capt. Johnson, we're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and enjoy your stay in Toronto". Well the Capt. forgets to switch off the intercom. The whole plane can now hear the conversation from the cockpit. The co-pilot says to the pilot "Well skipper, wotcha gonna do in Toronto?" Now all ears in the plan are listening in to this conversation." Well", says the skipper, "First I'm gonna check into the hotel and go for a mega-huge dump. Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess out for supper, you know, the one with the huge tits. I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and slip the old salami to her all night". Well, everyone in the planes trying to get a look at the new stewardess. She's so embarrassed she runs from the back of the plane to try and more...

A blonde bombshell walks into the airplane and sits in 1st Class and the stewardess asks her for her ticket...
The stewardess tells her that she only has a coach ticket. The blonde says, "I'm a cute looking blonde and I'm flying first class."
The stewardess replies that she only has a coach seat to Atlanta....
The blonde then retorts, "I'm a cute blonde and I'm flying first class".
Just then the captain happened by and asked what was happening....
The blonde tells him, "I'm a cute blonde and I'm flying first class...
The captain whispers in her ear...and the blonde gets up and jumps into a seat in the coach cabin...
The stewardess asks the captain what he said to get her to move so fast..
He replied, "I told her that 1st class is not going to Atlanta."

The man was in a hurry to board the airplane and didn't have time to do the paperwork to get his little doggie on board. So the man stashed the puppy down the front of his pants and sneaked him on the plane.
About 30 minutes into the flight, a stewardess noticed that the man was squirming in his seat. "Are you OK, mister?" the stewardess asked.
"Yes, I'm fine," said the man. Time went by and again the stewardess noticed strange movements. "Are you sure you're all right, sir?"
"Yes," the man insisted, "but I have a confession to make. I didn't have time to do the paperwork to bring my puppy on board, so I hid him down the front of my pants."
"I see," the stewardess said. "Well, as long as he's housebroken, I guess it will be OK."
"Oh, he's housebroken," the man replied. "The problem is, he's not weaned yet!"

Reportedly a true story:

On a British Airways flight from Johannesburg, South Africa; a middle-aged, visibly well-off white South African lady found herself sitting next to a well dressed black gentleman.

She called the cabin attendant over to complain about her seating.

'What seems to be the problem, Madam?' asked the attendant.

'Can't you see?' she loudly snapped,' You've sat me next to a Kaffir. I can't possibly sit next to this disgusting man. Find me another seat!'

'Please try to be calm, Mam,' the stewardess replied.' I believe the economy section is completely full today, but I'll go and check to see if we have any upgraded seats available in club or first class.'

The woman cocked a snooty look at the outraged black man beside her (as well as many of the other nearby passengers). Minutes later the stewardess returned.

'Mam, as I suspected, economy is full. I've spoken to the cabin services director, more...

A man gets on a plane with his dog.
"You can't bring a dog on this plane", says the stewardess!
"But this dog is special," says the passenger, "he's a sniffer dog."
"Prove it", says the stewardess.
The man clicks his fingers and the dog runs off down the plane. After a minute, the dog reappears, jumps on his lap, and licks his left cheek.
"What's that mean?" says the stewardess.
"It means there's drugs on board." says the man.
"What else can he do?"
The man clicks his fingers & the dog runs off again.
He reappears, & jumps up and licks his right cheek.
"What's that mean?" says the stewardess.
"It means there's a gun aboard," says the man.
"Oh dear!" says the stewardess. That's a bit more serious. "Can he do anything else?"
The man sends the dog off again. This time, he comes racing back, jumps up onto his seat, and craps all more...

The engine`s being held on by duct tape.

You see the Gorilla from those old Samsonite commercials running loose up and down the aisles.

In-flight movie has "Ernest" in its title.

Pilot informs you that you`re at cruising altitude and he`s gonna put the top down.

Instead of Peanuts, you get a healthy helping of SPAM.

As you`re taking off, the stewardess mentions the phrase "Guest Pilot Program"

The seats are wet due to flotation device moisture.

The stewardess asks you to join the Mile High Club..."she" has a beard and bigger arms than you!

Pilot asks if there is anyone else who wants a shot of Beam before he finishes the bottle.

You look down and see a copy of "Fixing a Plane for Dummies" by the mechanic`s feet!!!