Stick Jokes

This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.
"Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks.
"Boy," is the man's response.
"Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there", says the service guy.
An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions: "Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on him."
The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?"
The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the Chihuahua."

Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father. 1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, takeout 10% of the beans. Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell thepharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up thepaper. Read it for the last time. 2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack ofpatience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve theirchild's sleeping habits, more...

There was this man who had a dog which he was attempting to train, but alas had very little success. He was on the verge of despair when he happened across a very charismatic evangelist. He unburdened his soul to him, and he promptly informed him to leave the dog with him, and he would have it trained in a jiffy.
The next day the man returns, and asks how the evangelist got on. The reply was positive, and the evangelist calls the dog to give a demonstration. Picking up a stick, he throws it and says, "Fetch."
Instantly the dog takes off, grabs the stick and returns. The evangelist says, "Drop" and the dog drops the stick at his feet.
"Roll over," and the dog rolls over. By this time the dog's owner is very excited, and asks if he can have a go.
"Sure," replies the evangelist.
"Heel," says the owner and the dog lifts one paw, places it on the man and says, "I command this sickness to leave you..."

This old wino staggers into a bar and the barman immediately told him to get out. The tramp said that he would only leave if the barman gave him a cocktail stick. The barman, thinking this was a fair exchange, gladly gave the man a cocktail stick and watched him stagger back outside.
A minute later another old wino walked into the bar and got asked to leave by the barman. This drunk also demanded a cocktail stick if he was to leave quietly. There had been no trouble the first time so, once again, the barman obliged and the old drunk quietly left.
Soon after, a third wino came into the barman and without hesitation the barman offered him a cocktail stick to leave. This time though the drunk turned him down and said he would only leave if the barman gave him a drinking straw.
Curiosity finally got the better of the barman and he asked the old drunk why he wanted a drinking straw when the other two drunks had asked for cocktail sticks.
The wino said “Well, someone more...

There's a celery, a carrot, and a dick talking.The celery was like "Man, I got it bad, they chop me up and put me in cold water!"Then the carrot was like "You think you got it bad they chop me up and stick me in HOT water!"Then the dick said "Ya, well I got it the worst.They put me in a plastic bag, stick me in a dark cave, and make me do push-ups until I puke!"