Stocks Jokes / Recent Jokes

One day this rich guy was having a party at his house. He was loaded, and he had everything: money, a big house in Beverly Hills, drugs, girls, cars, planes -- anything he wanted. The guy was also a little eccentric, and he had filled his pool with crocodiles.

So there he was, he and his friends all standing around drinking, getting high and partying next to the pool. The guy gets up on the lifeguard tower and all his friends look up.

He calls for silence and says, "OK, the first person that swims across my pool will get all my money."

No one moves. The guy looks over the crowd, draws on his joint and says, " OK, the first person that swims across my pool gets all my money and my house."

Still no one moves. "OK then, the first person that swims across my pool gets all my money, my house and all my cars and planes."

Still, no one moves, not even a eye blinks this time. "OK then, all my money, my more...

Four men are sitting in a bar having drinks. One of the men goes to the bathroom. Then the three remaining men start to chat about their sons. The first man says:
"My son is so great! He just got an honorable discharge from the army, and one of his friends gave him a million in stocks!"
The second guy waves this off and says:
"My son is even better. He just got to the CEO chair of a great company, and one of his friends gave him a new car!"
The third guy waves both of them off and says:
"My son is best of all! He just got into the House, got a 10 dollar an hour raise, and one of his friends just gave him a new house!"
They start to argue, then the fourth guy comes back. They ask him about his son, and he says:
"My son stinks! He started out as a hairdresser, is still a hairdresser after fifteen years, and he's gay! He must be pretty attractive though, cause he just gave his THREE boyfriends a million in stocks, a new car, more...

It is believed that the stock markets go up and down with the rise and fall of the hemlines in ladies skirts and dresses.

Proof of this phenomenon is in the following historical facts:

- Glamour stocks and mini skirts soared in 1993.
- Conglomerates and hemlines went down in the spring of 1994.
- Hot pants led the Dow Jones up in 1971.

The advice to the investor then, is, "Don't sell until you see the heights of their thighs!"

STOCK:
A magical piece of paper that is worth $33.75 until the moment you buy it. It will then be worth $8.50.
BOND:
What you had with your spouse until you pawned his/her golf clubs to invest in Amazon.com.
BROKER:
The person you trust to help you make major financial decisions. Please note the first five letters of this word spell Broke.
BEAR:
What your trade account and wallet will be when you take a flyer on that hot stock tip your secretary gave you.
BULL:
What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked during the last quarter.
MARGIN:
Where you scribble the latest quotes when you're supposed to be listening to your manager's presentation.
SHORT POSITION:
A type of trade where, in theory, a person sells stocks he doesn't actually own. Since this also only ever works in theory, a short position is what a person usually ends up being in. (i.e. "The rent, sir? Hahaha, well, I'm a little short this more...

A proprietor very keen on obtaining the maximum from the customer, had drilled his
sales staff not to turn away any customer, but to try to entice them with a similar option -
like he said - if they require rose brand sugar and we don't have the stocks offer them
elephant brand sugar etc etc.
Well a nervous young salesman eager to show off how effective a job he could do, met his first customer that day - an old lady who hobbled in. He greeted her with a cherry good morning and she stated that she required toilet paper.( A luxury which was not freely available or well known during this period.)
The salesman said sadly "Mam I am sorry I cannot give you toilet paper as we have run
out of stocks, but could I offer you instead a good quality tissue paper?"
The old lady thinking the man was trying to be fresh gave him a nasty look and
said No No thank you.
The salesman not wanting to be beaten then offered her some carbon paper - in more...