Stone Jokes / Recent Jokes

Jesus sees a woman being assaulted by an angry crowd and steps in front of her and says, "let he who hath no sin cast the first stone."
From the crowd comes a rock flying at the woman. Jesus looks over and says, "Damn it mother, sometimes you really piss me off."

"Excuse me, sir."
"Is that you again, Moses?"
"I'm afraid it is, sir."
"What is it this time, Moses. More computer problems?"
"Well, I have a question, sir. You know those ten things you sent me."
"You mean the commandments, Moses?"
"That's it. I was wondering if they were important."
"What do you mean 'were important', Moses? Of course, they are important."
"Well, sorry, but I lost them. I could say the dog ate them, but of course you would see right through that."
"What do you mean 'you lost them'! Are you trying to tell me you didn't save them, Moses?"
"No, sir. I forgot. I did send them to some people before I lost them though."
"And did you hear back from any of them?"
"You already know I did. What about the one guy who said he never uses 'shalt not'. Can he change the words a little bit?"
"Yes, more...

"Excuse me, Sir."
"Is that you again, Moses?"
"I'm afraid it is, Sir."
"What is it this time, Moses; more computer problems?"
"How did you guess?"
"I don't have to guess, Moses. Remember?"
"Oh, yes; I forgot."
"Tell me what you want, Moses."
"But you already know, Sir. Remember?"
"Moses!"
"Sorry, Sir."
"Well, go ahead, Moses; spit it out."
"Well, I have a question, Sir. You know those ten 'things' you sent me via e-mail?"
"You mean the Ten Commandments, Moses?"
"That's it. I was wondering if they are important."
"What do you mean 'if they are important', Moses? Of course, they are important. Otherwise, I would not have sent them to you."
"Well - sorry, Sir, but I lost them. I could say the dog ate them; but, of course, you would see right through more...

A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man. Old Man speaks; "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months. But do they call me McGreggor-the Fence-Builder? Nooooo!"Then the old man gestured at the bar." Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labor, for eight days. But do they call me McGreggor-the Bar Builder? Nooooooo!"Then the old man points out the window." Eh, Laddy, look out to sea... Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGreggor-thePier-Builder? Nooooo!"Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention and says: "But ya fuck one goat......"

My two favourite anecdotes on this subject demonstrate the difference
between renewable and non-renewable resources. First the non-renewable:
The congregation of a small stone church (in England?) decided that the
stone which formed the step up to the front door had become two worn by its
years of use, and would have to be replaced. Unfortunately, there were hardly
any funds available for the replacement. Then someone came up with the bright
idea that the replacement could be postponed for many years by simply turning
the block of stone over.
They discovered that their great-grandparents had beaten them to it.
Now the renewable:
An entomologist at New College, Oxford ("New" because its only a few
centuries old), discovered beetles infesting the oak beams supporting the roof
of the Great Hall. It was fairly urgent that these be replaced before the roof
collapsed-but anyone who has looked at the price of oak lately can tell more...

A crowd had gathered around a whore and they were about to stone her.Jesus stepped in front of her and said: "Let he who is without sin, cast the first stone."From the back of the crowd came this stone which hit Jesus on the head and knocked him down. Jesus turned and looked in that direction and said: "You know mom, sometimes you really piss me off."

A Confuciousism: Out in the mountains there was this stream, beautiful stream in it was a Trout. As the trout was swimming he saw a little fly, swimming he thought to himself; If only that little fly would fly a half inch lower. I could jump out and get the fly, it'll be something to eat. In the distance there was this bear, a great Grizzly, the grizzly, thinking to himself; the same thing, if only that fly would be a half inch lower, the trout would eat the fly and I could eat the fish, It'll be something to eat. Sitting on a stone there was a hunter, a mighty hunter, who was peering out through his scope at that great grizzly barrel pointing at his head. He then starts thinking if only that stinking fly would fly a half inch lower, the trout would eat the fly the bear would eat the fish and I could shoot the bear, it'll be something to eat. Underneath that stone was a field mouse, a scrawny little field mouse, smelling the hunters sandwich he gets excited, he too thinking the same more...