String Jokes / Recent Jokes

These two strings walk up to a bar. The first string walks in and orders and the bartender throws him out and yells “I don’t serve strings in this bar…” The other string ruffs himself up on the street and curls up and orders… The bartender shouts, “Hey, didn’t you hear what I told your buddy? ” String says “Yeah. ” Bartender says, “aren’t you a string? ” String says, “No, I’m a frayed not…”

The groom, upon his engagement, went to his father and said, "I've found a woman just like mother!" His father replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?" The high divorce rates in America indicate that the U. S. is still the Land of the Free, but your marriage demonstrates that we also remain the Home of the Brave! The man says: With this ring I thee wed, with my body I thee worship, and with all my worldly good I thee endow. (Book of Common Prayer)The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband. If you are the best man at a wedding there is always my favorite toast: The screwing you'll get is going to be worth the screwing you'll get. I didn't have the guts to use it at the wedding but it got a lot of laughs at the bachelor party. The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then marry him. The theory used to be you marry an older man because they are more mature. The new theory is that men more...

Three strings walked by a bar and noticed a sign outside it that said "NO STRINGS ALLOWED."
Indignant at the discrimination the first string decided to go in and order a drink.
The bartender said "Can't your read?" and when the string refused to leave he picked it up and tossed it out the door.
The second string tried the same thing and when it also refused to leave the bartender punched it and threw it out the door as well.
The third string thought for a few seconds, then scraped itself along the sidewalk harshly until it was ragged all over. Then it twisted itself inside out and around and around until its middle was all in a bunch.
Then it entered the bar, got up on a stool and ordered a martini.
"Say," asked the bartender suspiciously, "aren't you the string I just threw out of here?"
'Fraid not," replied the string.

A lady once went to a pet store and asked the storekeeper for a parrot that could speak. The storekeeper showed the lady into a room where there were many birds he then showed her a parrot which was sitting on a swing in it's cage and had two strings tied to both his feet, the storekeeper then told the lady that if she pulled the string tied to the left the parrot woud say" good day " and if she pulled the string tied to the right leg it would say " how de do " the lady pulled the strings one at a time and the parrot said just what the storekeeper said it would say. Then the lady asked the storekeeper what the parrot would do if she pulled both the strings at the same time and then the parrot replied " i'll fall off the swing you bubleheaded idiot ".

Two pieces of string walk into a bar. The first one walks up to the bar and says, "Barkeep! Give me a beer!"The bartender replies, "Well uh.. aren't you a piece of string?" The piece of string answers, "Yeah!"And the bartender says, "Well get out of here! We don't serve your kind!"So the first piece of string walks back towards the door. The second piece of string says, "Hey wait, hold on a minute!" "You're not doing it right, watch this." He ties himself in a knot and frizzes out the top of his head. He walks up to the bar and says "Barkeep! Give me a beer!"The barender said "Aren't you a piece of string?" The piece of strings replies, "Nope, I'm afraid not!"

This guy goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. There he sees a parrot with a red string tied to its left leg and a green string tied to it's right leg. He asks the owner the significance of the strings.
"Well, this is a highly trained parrot. If you pull the red string he speaks French; if you pull the green string he speaks German," replies the shop keeper.
"And what happens if I pull both the strings?" our curious shopper inquires.
"I fall off my perch you fool!!" screeches the parrot.

A little corporate humor----------------------I took some friends out to dinner last week, and I noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter as he handed us the menus. It seemed a little odd, but I dismissed it as a random thing. Until our busboy came with water & tableware; he too, sported a spoon in his breast pocket. I looked around the room, and all the waiters, waitresses, busboys, etc. had spoons in their pockets. When our waiter returned to take our order, I just had to ask, "Why the spoons?" "Well," he explained, "our parent company recently hired some AndersenConsulting efficiency experts to review all our procedures, and aftermonths of statistical analyses, they concluded that our patrons dropspoons on the floor 73% more often than any other utensil; at a frequency of 3 spoons per hour per workstation. By preparing all our workers for this contingency in advance, we can cut our trips to the kitchen down and save time... nearly 1. 5 extra more...