Subway Jokes / Recent Jokes

An old man from a far off land was once on the subway in New York and he sat down next to a younger man. He noticed that the young man had a strange kind of shirt collar. Having never seen a priest before, he asked the man,
"Excuse me sir, but why do you have your shirt collar on backwards?"
The priest became a bit flustered but politely answered "I wear this collar because I am a Father". The old man thought a second and responded "Sir I am also a Father but I wear my collar front-ways. Why do you wear your collar so differently?"
The priest thought for a minute and said "Sir, I am the father for many". The old man quickly answered, "I too am the father of many. I have four sons, four daughters and too many grandchildren to count. But I wear my collar like everyone else does. Why do you wear it your way?"
The priest who was beginning to get exasperated thought and then blurted out "Sir, I am the father for more...

From the Washington Post Style Invitation, in which it was postulated that English should have male and female nouns, and readers were asked to assign a gender to nouns of their choice and explain their reason. The best submissions: SWISS ARMY KNIFE: Male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles. KIDNEYS: Female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs. TIRE: Male, because it goes bald and often is over-inflated. HOT AIR BALLOON: Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and, of course, there`s the hot air part. SPONGES: Female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water. MAGIC 8 BALL: Male, because it gives monosyllabic answers that usually
indicate it did not pay attention to your question. WEB PAGE: Female, because it is always getting hit on. SHOE: Male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out. ZIPLOC BAGS: Male, because they more...

New York twittered at news that skinny girls who faint from extreme dieting are the cause of a substantial number of subway delays. A representative from pro-anorexia website Gossamer Butterfly Self-Cutting Death Princess says "People with no legs slow down the bus all the time, and you don't hear anyone getting on their case about it."

From the Washington Post Style Invitation, in which it was postulated that English should have male and female nouns, and readers were asked to assign a gender to nouns of their choice and explain their reason.
The best submissions:
SWISS ARMY KNIFE: Male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.
KIDNEYS: Female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.
TIRE: Male, because it goes bald and often is over-inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOON: Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part.
SPONGES: Female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
MAGIC 8 BALL: Male, because it gives monosyllabic answers that usually
indicate it did not pay attention to your question.
WEB PAGE: Female, because it is always getting hit on.
SHOE: Male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue more...

An ad on the subway in NYC: "Learn to read and speak English. Call us now." An Amelia Island, FL, podiatrist: "Emergency Foot Surgery- Walk-ins Welcomed." Sign over a restroom in a restaurant: "Used beer department." On a store front in Florida: "Your one stop shop! Beer ammo and liquor. Drive through open 24 hours!" A speed limit sign on Long Beach Island, New Jersey: "Smile, You're on Radar!" Seen in a State Park in California: "Weather Station (A large sign with a Rock hanging on a rope) Check the Rock. If it's wet, it's raining. If it's moving, it's windy. If you can't see it, it's foggy. If rock is gone, it's a tornado."An ad on the subway in NYC: "Learn to read and speak English. Call us now." An Amelia Island, FL, podiatrist: "Emergency Foot Surgery- Walk-ins Welcomed." Sign over a restroom in a restaurant: "Used beer department." On a store front in Florida: "Your one stop shop! Beer more...

A story is told of a Jewish man who was riding on the subway reading an Arab newspaper. A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader. "Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?"Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!"

An ad on the subway in NYC: "Learn to read and speak English. Call us now."
An Amelia Island, FL, podiatrist: "Emergency Foot Surgery- Walk-ins Welcomed."
Sign over a restroom in a restaurant: "Used beer department."
On a store front in Florida: "Your one stop shop! Beer ammo and liquor. Drive through open 24 hours!"
A speed limit sign on Long Beach Island, New Jersey: "Smile, You're on Radar!"
Seen in a State Park in California: "Weather Station (A large sign with a Rock hanging on a rope) Check the Rock. If it's wet, it's raining. If it's moving, it's windy. If you can't see it, it's foggy. If rock is gone, it's a tornado."
An ad on the subway in NYC: "Learn to read and speak English. Call us now."
An Amelia Island, FL, podiatrist: "Emergency Foot Surgery- Walk-ins Welcomed."
Sign over a restroom in a restaurant: "Used beer department."
On a store more...