Sugar Jokes / Recent Jokes
OPERATION ORDER 12-98
FOR: OFFICIAL VISIT OF LT jg SANTA CLAUS
1. An official staff visit by LT jg Claus is expected at this post on 25 Dec. The following directives govern activities of all Army personnel during the visit.
a. Not a creature will stir without permission. This includes warrant officers and mice. Soldiers may obtain special stirring permits for necessary administrative action through the Battalion S-1. Officer stirring permits must be obtained through the Deputy, Post Plans and Policy Office.
b. All personnel will settle their brains for a long winter nap NLT 2200 hours, 24 December. Uniform for the nap will be; Pajamas, Cotton, Light Weight, General Purpose, OG, and Cap, BDU woodland pattern, with ear flaps in the extended position. Equipment will be drawn from the supply room prior to 1900 hours. While at supply, all personnel will review their personal hand receipts and sign a Cash Collection Voucher, DD Form 1131, for all missing items. Remember, more...
Chocolate, the 5th food group:Chocolate is a vegetable: Chocolate is derived from cocoa beans.
Beans = vegetable.Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is dairy. So candy bars are a health food.Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.The problem: how to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: eat it in the parking lot.Diet tip: eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look more...
You'll need the following: a cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of baking soda, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whisky.
Sample the whisky to check for quality.
Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whisky is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.
Grease the more...
"Is there chicken in your vegetarian gumbo?" - Asked of a waitress.
"Just the chicken." - The response a waitress gave when asked if there were any dairy products in a soup.
"Would you like cream and sugar with that?" - Asked by a waitress when a customer specified orange juice instead of coffee as part of a breakfast meal.
"Do you want cheese on that?" - Asked when a customer ordered a plain cheeseburger.
"You want fries with that?" - Asked when a customer ordered an apple turnover.
"Do you want onions on that?" - A waitress, in response to a couple ordering a milk shake and a large cola.
"Is there any meat in the veggie rolls?"
"Do you get rice with your fried rice?"
"I'm sorry, we only have six inch and foot long subs." - A waitress, when asked for a 12 inch sub.
"Would you like to care for a cup of coffee?" - A waitress.
"Which of these more...
BANTA asked his wife to get some tea when •his friend Santa dropped in uninvited.' There is no sugar in the house and the shops are closed because of a bandh,' replied Mrs Banta.
'Not to worry,' replied Banta,' instead of a spoon of sugar, you can give me a kiss.'
'What about Santa? He usually takes two spoonfuls of sugar,' replied Mrs Banta.
Has someone told you a joke that you find isn't very funny? Do the following and it should be much more interesting:1) Eat nothing but candy for the next two days. Chocolate and marshmallows work best.
2) Take a caffeine pill every 4-6 hours. Do not swallow with water, use pink lemonade.
3) Search the internet for pictures of penguins, monkeys, platypuses, or other amusing animals.
4) Make a recording of several coffee grinders on at once.
5) After being hopped up on sugar and cocaine, lock yourself in a bright room and play your tape of coffee grinders. Start this at noon.
6) At 7:00 the next morning (Don't fall asleep!) Have someone repeat the joke that you found to not be funny. Also, make them dress up like the amusing animal you found pictures of.
7)Now, you should be so tired and so hopped up on sugar and caffeine that your friend's joke will be funny. Heck, this joke might even me funny!:-)