Support Jokes / Recent Jokes

Topic 1
How to Fill up the Ice Cube Trays
(Step by Step with Slide Presentation)
Topic 2
The Toilet Paper Roll - Does It Grow on the Holder?
(Round Table Discussion)
Topic 3
Fundamental Differences Between the Laundry Hamper and The Floor
(Pictures and Explanatory Graphics)
Topic 4
The Dirty Dishes and Silverware - Can they Levitate and Fly Into the Kitchen Sink and/or the Dishwasher?
(Examples on Video)
Topic 5
Loss of Identity: Losing the Remote to your Significant Other (Helpline Support and Support Groups)
Topic 6
Learning How to Find Things, Starting with Looking in the Right Place instead of Turning the House Upside Down While Screaming (Open Forum)
Topic 7
Health Watch: Bringing her Flowers is Not Harmful to your Health
(Graphics and Audio Tape)
Topic 8
Real Men Ask for Directions When Lost
(Real Life Testimonials)
Topic 9
Is It Genetically Impossible to Sit more...

Changing lawyers in the middle of a case is like moving to a different deck chair on the Titantic.
It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer walking down the street with his hands in his own pockets.
Four out of five doctors say that if they were stranded on a deserted island with no lawyers, they wouldn't need any Tylenol.
Q. How does an attorney sleep?
A. First he lies on one side, and then on the other.
A town too small to support one lawyer can always support two.
What is the ideal weight for a lawyer?
Ten pounds - but that includes the urn.

Subject: Top 12 things you don't want to hear from tech support

12.' Do you have a sledgehammer or brick handy?'

11.' ... that's right, not even MacGyver could fix it.'

10.' So -- what are you wearing?'

9.' Bummer Duuuuuuuude'

8.' Looks like you're gonna need some new dilythium crystals, Cap'n.'

7.' Press 1 for Support, Press 2 if you're with 60 Minutes, Press 3 if you're with the FTC'

6.' We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape, and a car battery.'

5.' I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that.'

4.' In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect.'

3.' Hold on a second....... Mom! Timmy's hitting me!'

2.' Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics.' and the number 1 thing you don't want to hear from tech support...

1.' Please hold for Mr. Gates' attorney.'

REAL STORIES OF THE NON-TECHNICAL
I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person whoanswered said, "Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?" I worked with an individual who plugged theirpower strip back into itself and for the life of them could not understand why theircomputer would not turn on."Do you know anythingabout this fax-machine?"
"A little. What'swrong?"
"Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient calledback to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened."
"How did you load the sheet?"
"It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it byaccident. So I folded it so only the recipient could open it and read it." I recently saw a distraught young lady weepingbeside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked.
"I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker. Now Ican't more...

Tech Support: "What does the screen say now."
Person: "It says,' Hit ENTER when ready'."

Tech Support: "Well?"
Person: "How do I know when it's ready?"

Murphy's Laws Of Combat Operations Friendly fire - isn't. Recoilless rifles - aren't. Suppressive fires - won't. You are not Superman Marines and fighter pilots take note. A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down. If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid. Try to look unimportant the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you. If at first you don't succeed, call in an airstrike. If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself. Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself. Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder. If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush. The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: when they're ready + when you're not. No OPLAN ever survives initial contact. There is no such thing as a perfect plan. Five second fuzes always burn three seconds. There is more...

A MicroSoft Marketing Manager was married to a woman who had been married nine times before. On their wedding night, his wife informed him that she was still a virgin. This puzzled the Marketing Manager since after nine marriages he would have thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain, and her comments were as follows:
My first husband was an MicroSoft Salesman who spent our entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, "it's gonna be great".
My second husband was from MicroSoft Pre-Sales Support, and he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he would send me documentation.
My third husband was from the MicroSoft Data Center and constantly said that everything was diagnostically OK, but he just couldn't get the system up.
My fourth husband was from MicroSoft University, and he simply said, those who can, do; those who can't, teach."
My fifth husband was more...