Suppose Jokes / Recent Jokes

What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly.
For example:
1 - "What are you thinking?"
The proper answer to this question, of course is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you." Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:
a - Baseball b - Football c - How fat you are d - How much prettier she is than you e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died
According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd more...

Hey Guy, You Think You've Got Problems...
imagine Adam trying to convince Eve that God intended for him to wear the plants in the family
imagine being so old it takes you forty-five minutes to undress, and another twenty to remember why
suppose by the time you can read a woman like a book... your eyes go bad
suppose every time you meet a hot looking girl you used to know... it's her daughter
imagine being so impotent that you even have to fake premature ejaculation
imagine you join Overeaters Anonymous and they make you a chapter
suppose two of the world's greatest movers and shakers move into the apartment above you
suppose you become a sheik with 150 wives... and your house only has six bathrooms
imagine you get a great color from going to the beach... but it's blue from holding your stomach in
imagine at the beach your wife tells you to suck your gut in... and you already are
suppose you go to a carnival... and a fortune teller offers to more...

A high school had a policy that the parents must call the school if a student was to be absent for the day.
Kelly (name changed to protect the guilty), deciding to skip school and go to the mall with her friends waited until her parents had left for work and called the school herself.
This is the actual conversation of the telephone call...
Kelly: "Hi, I`m calling to report that Kelly so-and-so is unable to make it to school today because she is ill.
Secretary at high school: "Oh, I`m sorry to hear that. I`ll note her absence. Who is this calling?"
Kelly: "This is my mother."
Needless to say, she didn`t pull it off!
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a more...

What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly.For example:1 - "What are you thinking?"The proper answer to this question, of course is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you." Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:a - Baseball b - Football c - How fat you are d - How much prettier she is than you e - How he would spend the insurance money if you diedAccording to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of more...

A man in a bar has a couple of beers, and the bartender tells him he owes $8.
“But I already paid you! Don’t you remember? ” says the customer.
“Okay, ” says the bartender, “if you said you paid, then I suppose you did. ”
The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can’t keep track of whether his customers have paid or not. The second man then rushes in, orders a beer, and later pulls the same stunt.
The barkeep replies, “Okay, if you said you paid, then I suppose you did. ”
The customer then goes outside, sees a friend, and tells him how to get free drinks. The third man hurries into the bar and begins to drink highballs. Some time later, the bartender leans over and says, “You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid, and both claimed that they had paid. The next guy who tries that stunt is going to get his ass…. ”
The man interrupts, “Don’t more...

A man is passing a butcher's shop and sees a sign: "Special Offer - Brains"
Cow brainsa penny a pound
Sheep brains2 pounds a pound
Pig brains2 pounds a pound
Doctor brains50 pounds a pound
Engineer brains50 pounds a pound
Programmer brains50 pounds a pound
Lawyer brains1000 pounds a pound
and he goes into the shop and says to the butcher "Excuse me, I couldn't help noticing your sign - I suppose the cow brains are so much cheaper than the other brains because of the Mad Cow Disease scare."
"That's right" says the butcher.
"And," continues the man, "I suppose the lawyer brains are so much more expensive than the other brains because they're such high quality."
"Not at all," says the butcher "do you know how many lawyers you gotta kill to get a pound of brain?"

There's a man stranded on a desert island and one day a lady gets washed up onto shore. They get to talk and get to know each other. Later on that day the woman asks him' I don't suppose you smoked before you were stranded here did you?' And the man replies,' Yes.' So she produces from her bag a cigarette and they smoke together. A little while later she says to him,' I don't suppose you drank before you were stranded did you?' The man says,' yes.' The woman produces a flask from her bag and they drink. More time passes and the woman says,' So you've been on this island for 10 years without a woman huh?' The man replies' Yes'. The woman says,' I don't suppose you'd like to play around.' The man shouts,' Good God lady, you have a set of clubs in that bag too!'