Suppose Jokes / Recent Jokes

A married couple, both avid golfers, was discussing the future one night.
"Honey", the wife said, "if I were to die and you were to remarry, would you two live in this house?"
"I suppose so - it's paid for."
"How about our car? Continued the woman. "Would the two of you keep that?
"I suppose so - it's paid for."
"What about my golf clubs? Would you let her use them too?
"Heck, no," the husband blurted out. "She is left-handed."

"I suppose," said the heartless drill instructor to the new recruit, "that when I die, you'll make a special trip to my grave just to spit on it."
"Not me, sir," said the young man. "When I get out of here I'm never standing in line again."

I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any
opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great
respect, they don't even invite me. You too can win arguments. Simply follow these rules:
1) Drink liquor.
Suppose you're at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the economy of Peru, a
subject you know nothing about. If you're drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice,
you'll hang back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your date. But if you
drink several large martinis, you'll discover you have strong views about the Peruvian economy.
You'll be a wealth of information. You'll argue forcefully, offering searing insights and possibly
upsetting furniture. People will be impressed. Some may leave the room.
2) Make things up.
Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying more...

"Clearly it's not the life I had before, but I laugh just as much."
O.J. Simpson during his ESPN interview on Thursday (15 Jan. 1998)
"Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself."
Mark Twain
"So, does this prove once and for all that size does matter?"
Golden Globe Award-winning director James Cameron (18 Jan. 1998), whose film "Titanic" is the most expensive in Hollywood history.
..."I've always thought that underpopulated countries in Africa are vastly underpolluted."
Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining why toxic waste should be exported to Third World countries
"We regret the incident but will not press charges... [Bill] commented that one of the worst things about his whole thing was that the pie wasn't that tasty."
Erin Brewer, spokesman for Microsoft's Belgian office, after company chief Bill Gates was more...

How to Argue Effectively

I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. You too can win arguments. Simply follow these rules:

-=- Make things up.

Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove that Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that YOU are underpaid, and you are not going to let a bunch of Peruvians be better off. DON'T say: "I think Peruvians are underpaid." Say instead: "The average Peruvian's salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1, 452. 81 per annum, which is $836. 07 before the mean gross poverty level."

NOTE: Always make up exact figures.

If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up too. Say: "This information comes from more...

The five toughest questions women ask - and their answers:
1. 'What are you thinking?'
2. 'Do you love me?'
3. 'Do I look fat?'
4. 'Do you think she's prettier than me?'
5. 'What would you do if I died?'
What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example:
1. 'What are you thinking?'
The proper answer to this question, of course, is: 'I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you.' Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:
a - football.
b - baseball.
c - How fat you are.
d - How much prettier she is than you.
e - How he would spend the insurance money if more...

"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask such
a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.
"No, of course not, dear," said the husband.
"Do you not like being married?" said the wife.
"Of course I do, dear," he said.
"Then why would you not remarry?"
"All right," said the husband, "I would remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes," said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause.
"Well yes, I suppose I would," replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly. "And would you let her wear my old clothes?"
"I suppose, if she wanted to," said the husband.
"Really," said the more...