Suppose Jokes / Recent Jokes

If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Philip's Screwdriver? Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital? Why is a wise man and wise guy opposites? If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed? Have you ever noticed... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself.Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Iraq.Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh....I could be eating a slow learner.What do people mean when more...

The year is 1996. By this time, the American Government's policy of
Social Welfare has been extended to require that any married couple who
has not had a child within the first five years of marriage, must
receive the services of a government man who will attempt to be the means
of the wife becoming a mother.
There are no children in the family of this particular story: much to the
sorrow of the husband, and it is the morning of their fifth wedding
anniversary.
Husband - Well, goodbye, dear, I'm off to the office. I suppose the
government man will be here shortly, computer-printed address and all.
He leaves with his head bowed. The wife pretties herself and powders her
nose just as the doorbell rings. She is expecting the government man, but
instead her caller is a baby photographer who has come to see if he could
interest her in some baby pictures. The following conversation ensues:
Lady: Oh, Good Morning.
Man: How do you more...

Diary of an AOL User July 18 - I just tried to connect to America Online. I've heard it is thebest online service I can get. They even included a free disk! I'd betterhold onto it in case they don't ever send me anther one! I can't connect.I don't know what is wrong.July 19 - Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs amodem. I don't see why. He's just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he thinkI am? July 22 - I bought the modem. I couldn't figure out where it goes. It wouldn'tfit in the monitor or the printer. I'm confused.July 23 - I finally got the modem in and hooked up. that nine year old nextdoor did it for me. But it still don't work. I cant get online.July 25 - That nine year old kid next door hooked me up to America Onlinefor me. He's so smart. I told the kid he was a prodigy. But he says that'sjust another service. What a modest kid. He's so smart and he does theseservices for people. Anyway he's smarter then the jerks who sold me themodem. They didn't even more...

Diary of an AOL User.
July 18 - I just tried to connect to America Online. I've heard it is
the best online service I can get. They even included a free disk! I'd
better hold onto it incase they don't ever send me anther one! I
can't connect. I don't know what is wrong.
July 19 - Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a
modem. I don't see why. He's just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he
think I am?
July 22 - I bought the modem. I couldn't figure out where it goes. It
wouldn't fit in the monitor or the printer. I'm confused.
July 23 - I finally got the modem in and hooked up. that nine year old
next door did it for me. But it still don't work. I cant get online.
July 25 - That nine year old kid next door hooked me up to America
Online for me. He's so smart. I told the kid he was a prodigy. But he
says that's just another service. What a modest kid. He's so smart and
he does these services for people. more...

A man in a bar has a couple of beers, and the bartender tells him he owes $8. "But I already paid you! Don't you remember?" says the customer. "Okay," says the bartender, "if you said you paid, then I suppose you did." The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid or not. The second man then rushes in, orders a beer, and later pulls the same stunt. The barkeep replies, "Okay, if you said you paid, then I suppose you did." The customer then goes outside, sees a friend, and tells him how to get free drinks. The third man hurries into the bar and begins to drink highballs. Some time later, the bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid, and both claimed that they had paid. The next guy who tries that stunt is going to get his ass...." The man interrupts, "Don't bother me more...

"Ah, yes, divorce., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
- Robin Williams
"Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet."
- Mae West
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
- Robin Williams
"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
- Oscar Wilde
"Suppose you were an idiot... and suppose you were a member of Congress... but I repeat myself."
- Mark Twain

Two Jews are sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Are there any Chinese Jews?"
The other sips his tea. "I don't know. I suppose so."
"You suppose so?"
"Yeah, there are Jews everywhere. I was in the Caribbean and they showed us this synagogue from the 16th century."
"But that doesn't mean there are Chinese Jews."
At this point the waiter comes up with their checks. "Hey! Hop Sing! Listen, are there any Chinese Jews?"
The waiter shakes his head. "Don't understand."
"Jews. Jews. Chinese Jews."
The waiter smiles and nods. "I go ask." He goes away and returns shortly.
"No Chinese Jews. Orange Jews, Tomato Jews but no Chinese Jews. .."