Susan Jokes / Recent Jokes

John receives a phone call."Hello," he answers.The voice on the other end says, "This is Susan.We met at a party about 3 months ago." John: "hmmm... Susan? You say we met 3 months ago?" Susan: "Yes, it was at Bill's house. After the party gave me a ride home. On the way home, we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a good sport." John: "Oh, yeah! Susan! How are have you been?" Susan: "Well, I'm pregnant and I'm going to kill myself." John: "Say, you really ARE a good sport!"

One Sunday morning Joe burst into the living room and said, "Dad, Mom, I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.

After dinner, Joe's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you.. Your mother and I have been married 30 years. She's a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your
half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."

Joe was heart-broken. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Dianne said yes! We are getting married in June."

Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half-sister too, Joe, I am very sorry about this."

Joe was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother more...

Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company.

Susan told the insurance company, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money."

The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute, Susan. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new one of comparable worth."

There was a long pause before Susan replied, "Then I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."

My Dearest Susan, Sweetie of my heart. I've been so desolate ever since I broke off our engagement. Simply devastated. Won't you please consider coming back to me? You hold a place in my heart no other woman can fill. I can never marry another woman quite like you. I need you so much. Won't you forgive me and let us make a new beginning? I love you so. Yours always and truly, JohnP. S. Congratulations on you winning the state lottery.

Mrs. Sippy was teaching her 1st grade class about the ABC's, and she wanted the class to use a word, starting with the alphabet. So she starts with A, little Johnny shoots his hand up in the air, the teacher debated a thought (hmmm, no, he might say something like ass.) so she calls on little Susan, Susan says apple. "Very good Susan" says the teacher. "Now, something that starts with the letter B." Johnny has his hand up first again. Teacher thinks (no, he might say bitch....) So she calls on Little Bobby...."Basket" he says, "Good word Bobby!" she says...Well, this goes on all the way up to "W", so the teacher announces "choose a word that starts with W". Johnny has both hand's up, he has a word for it! The teacher thinks and thinks and thinks, and she can't think of a single bad word he could say. "Yes, Johnny, whats your word?" she asked..."Womb!"..."Like a mother's womb?" the teacher asked, more...

As soon as Susan arrived home, she said to her husband, "Honey, the car won't start, but I do know what the problem is."
"What do you mean? What's wrong with it?" he asked.
"There's water in the carburetor," Susan replied.
"Sweetheart," her husband said, "please don't take this the wrong way, but you wouldn't know a carburetor from an accelerator."
"No, really honey, there's water in the carburetor," insisted Susan.
"Ok, dear, I'll go take a look at it. Where is it?" her husband asked.
"In the lake!" Susan replied.

Mr. Baldwin, the biology teacher called on Mary, "Can you tell me the part of the body that, under the right conditions, expands to six times it's normal size, and state the conditions."
Mary gasped and said in a huff, "Why, Mr. Baldwin! That is an inappropriate question and my parents are going to hear of it when I get home!" She sat down, red-faced.
"Susan, can you tell me the answer?" asked Mr. Baldwin.
"The pupil of the eye, under dark conditions," said Susan.
"Correct. Now Mary, I have three things to say to you.
First, you have not studied your lesson.
Second, you have a dirty mind.
And third, boy are you going to be disappointed someday!"