Sweep Jokes / Recent Jokes

My apologies to David Ortiz, ‘Big Papi’, of the Boston Red Sox. He was admitted to Massachusetts General, Tuesday, for testing of an irregular heartbeat. I want to apologize because, first, I never thought God would answer my prayers, and second, I didn’t expect God to take me so literally.
When I knelt down in front of the TV and said, “Please God, give David Ortiz a heart attack. Give him deep, stabbing chest pains so he never hits another homerun against the Yankees ever again.”, I was just kidding. I would have settled for a pulled hammy or even a persistent migraine. I never thought he’d actually give him a heart attack.
But, apparently I’m on God’s A-list. I prayed for a five game sweep, boom, let the manna fall, Yankees sweep. I prayed for a parking spot in Manhattan, as soon as I said, a lady pulled out right in front of the club. I prayed for the light to turn green, and it was as if heaven opened up a blessed with green lights from 35th to 60th. I’m more...

Make Your Family Qualify To Operate All The Appliances In Your Home (I. E. Dishwasher Operator, Blender Technician, Etc.).
Walk Around Your Car For 4 Hours Checking The Tire Pressure Every 15 Minutes.

Sit In Your Car And Let It Run For 4 Hours Before Going Anywhere. This Is To Ensure Your Engine Is Properly "Lighted Off."

Empty All The Garbage Bins In Your House, And Sweep Your Driveway 3 Times A Day, Whether They Need It Or Not. (Now Sweepers, Start Your Brooms, Clean Sweep Down Fore And Aft,

Empty All Toilet Cans Over The Fantail)

Repaint Your Entire House Once A Month.
Cook All Of Your Food Blindfolded, Groping For Any Spice And Seasoning You Can Get Your Hands On.

Use Eighteen Scoops Of Budget Coffee Grounds Per Pot, And
Allow Each Pot To Sit 5 Hours Before Drinking.

Have Your Neighbor Collect All Your Mail For A Month, Read Your Magazines, And Randomly Lose Every 5th Item.

Spend more...

The lawn mover was broken and the wife kept hinting to her husband that he ought to get it fixed, but somehow the message never sank in. Finally she thought of a clever way to make the point. When her husband arrived home that day, he found her seated in the tall grass, busily sniping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. He watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. He was gone only a few moments when he came out again. He handed her a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," he said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalks."