Swimming Jokes / Recent Jokes

An American tourist in Punjab walked into a beautiful deserted forest and found a lovely pool in it, and decided to go skinny-dipping. She looked around, didn`t see anyone, and undressed and just as she was about to dive in, Santa Singh the gardner appeared from behind the bushes where he was hiding all along and said, `Madam! Swimming not allowed!`` You could have told me that before I took off my clothes!`, the American woman scolded him. Santa Singh replied, `Madam, only swimming not allowed, taking off clothes allowed!

"Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup."
"So what do you expect me to do - call a lifeguard?"

Two fathers and a rabbi decided to go swimming in a local lake one HOT day. So, they stripped and went swimming. As they were getting out, some ladies were strolling by the lake. One father yelled, "Cover your privates!" So both fathers covered that area, but the rabbi covered his face. Later, the other father asked, "Why did you cover your face?" The rabbi answered, "I don't know for you two, but it'd be my face they'd recognise."

A man in a swimming pool was on the very top diving board. He poised, lifted his arms, and was about to dive when the attendant came running up, shouting, "Don't dive? there's no water in that pool!" "That's all right," said the man. "I can't swim!"

Degrees (Fahrenheit)
* 65 degrees:
Hawaiians declare a two-blanket night
* 60 degrees:
Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one)
* 50 degrees:
Miami residents turn on the heat
* 45 degrees:
Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts
* 40 degrees:
You can see your breath
Californians shiver uncontrollably
Minnesotans go swimming
* 35 degrees:
Italian cars don't start
* 32 degrees:
Water freezes
* 30 degrees:
You plan your vacation to Australia
* 25 degrees:
Ohio water freezes
Californians weep pitiably
Minnesotans eat ice cream
Canadians go swimming
* 20 degrees:
Politicians begin to talk about the homeless
New York City water freezes
Miami residents plan vacation further South
* 15 degrees:
French cars don't start
Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you
* 10 degrees:
You need jumper cables to get the car going
* 5 degrees:
American cars more...

Little Johnny at the swimming pool. Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool.
"You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I'm going to report you."
"But everyone pees in the pool," said Johnny.
"Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"

Q: How do you crash a houseboat party?
A: You just barge in!
Q: What happened to the water polo team?
A: The horses drowned.
First Law of Bicycling: No matter which way you ride, its uphill and against the wind.
Anyone can win - unless there happens to be a second entry.
There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.
One should be careful to keep his mouth shut - when swimming and when angry.
A swimming pool is a crowd of people with water in it.
Fishing: Just a jerk at one end of the line waiting for a jerk at the other end.
Creative golf: Stuffing your shots with such precision theat your boss actually believes he beat you fair and square.
Good friend: Anyone who doesn't play as well as you do - and does it consistently.
Class: Demonstrated not by whether you win or lose, but how you tear up your scorecard.
If you have to ask, you're not entitled to know.
If you don't more...