Taker Jokes

100 Ways to annoy the pizza guy
1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
3. Use CB lingo where applicable.
4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.
7. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.
8. Answer their questions with questions.
9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.
10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT UKRAINIAN PUCE.
11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of more...

The census taker rang the doorbell and was greeted by an attractive blonde woman. He explained he was from the Census Bureau and wanted to know how many were in the family.
"Let's see now," she said, twirling a strand of her hair, "there's me, my husband, and our children Beth, Steven, Aaron, Janice, Caroline, Will... "
"I'm not interested in names," the census taker interrupted, "numbers will be sufficient."
"Oh, we don't use numbers," she replied. "We haven't run out of names yet!"

Five year old Becky answered the door when the Census taker came by.She told the Census taker that her daddy was a doctor and wasn't home, because he was performing an appendectomy."My," said the census taker, "that sure is a big word for such a little girl. Do you know what it means?""Sure! Fifteen hundred bucks, and that doesn't even include the anaesthesiologist!"

Things Not To Do At A Hostage Negotiation

As Hostage Taker:

Demand to speak only with FBI agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully.

Have one of the hostages hold your gun while you make a quick trip to the bathroom.

Let one hostage go to the bathroom. When he doesn't return, send the others to see what's taking him so long.

Agree to let the hostages go, after doing so, make you demands.

Rig the building to explode if someone tries to go through the door, then remember that you forgot to lock your car and leave the room.

Confuse the detonator for your explosive booby-traps with your garage door opener.

Tell the negotiator that you'd rather choke on tear gas than let the hostages go.

Allow one of the hostages to win possession of your gun because of a paper-rock scissors tournament.

Forget your gun at home.

Run away bawling like a baby when one of your hostages calls you a more...

A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked. When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages.

She said, "Les' see now, there's the twins, Sally and Billy, they're eighteen. And the twins, Seth & Beth, they're sixteen. And the twins, Penny and Jenny, they're fourteen."

"Hold on!" said the census taker, "Did you get twins every time?"

The woman answered, "Heck no, there were hundreds of times we didn't get nothin'."